Special thanks to Lysia for the Ganon pictures!! Lots of hugs! :::HUGS!!!::: I squished you now. Haha! Go vist her page too! |
The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of a |
Link to the Awakening of Time |
Profile for Ganon |
Name: Ganondorf, also known as Ganon Age: old enough Birthday: February 27 Astrological Sign: Pisces Height: 7'1" Weight: bigger than yo mamma Hair color: he's a bald pig, baby Eye color: dark brown, and occasionally red, but that's only when he's really pissed Location: Death Mountain, Hyrule. He's also got a summer home in Gerudo Valley Marital Status: hasn't found that special Miss Piggy yet, but is infatuated with Bea Arthur |
Hobbies: kidnaping Zelda, trying to kick Link's sorry ass, playing hide-and-go-seek with his Moblin buddies, kidnaping Zelda, stealing the Triforce pieces, baking moonpies, collecting stamps, eBay, kidnaping Zelda, needlework, watching The Golden Girls on the Lifetime network, chillin' with this Staflos chums, chasing Octoroks around trees, and kidnaping Zelda. Pets: none, but controls various minions Occupation: King of Evil/President of the Official Golden Girls and Bea Arthur Fan Club |
Short Biography: born in Gerudo Valley to two lesbian moms, Ganondorf has quite an interesting past. Surrounded by women his entire childhood, he adopted various feminine customs, such as cooking and watching soap operas. It is said that a male Gerudo is born in the valley once every hundred years, thus making Ganon their future king. He thought that was all swell and dandy, but had no desire to rule over a clan of half naked warrior chicks. No one seemed to question the fact that the only male in Gerudo was half pig, half man. His true father was unknown, but there was always one particular barnyard pig who seemed to follow the boy everywhere. Eventually this curious creature was roasted on a spit. |
Anyway, Ganon went to kindergarten with all the other Hylian children and learned his ABC's and how to color within the lines. Alas, the poor child always seemed to be a loner and made no friends. He used to get made fun of by his elvish peers and was always picked last for dodgeball. One day after school, when Ganon was only eleven, he met up with an old, dying sorcerer while wandering in the woods. The mysterious dude told our piggish friend that he would give him all of his powers before he died in exchange for a Snickers bar. Ganon checked in his Transformers backpack and only found a Kit Kat bar. The old sorcerer decided it was good enough, and took that. Just as he kicked the bucket, all of his dark and evil powers were passed on to the preteen Ganon. The next day at school, he decided to screw around with his new abilities by setting fire to all the punks who had made fun of him in the past. Sensing that a great power now resided in him, he decided to abandon his old plans of graduating from college with a degree in business administration and opted to take over Hyrule instead. So as the years progressed, Ganon moved out of the home in Gerudo Valley that he had shared with his lesbian moms and found a nice condo on the peak of Death Mountain. |
It was here where he gathered a bunch of losers (a.k.a. his underlings) and began a campaign to take over the world. While in the process, he discovered the legend of the Triforce. You know, bring all three pieces together and touch it with a wish in your heart blah blah blah. Well his desire was to chill in the Sacred Realm with the gods and destroy all of Hyrule. Why? No reason. Evil villains don't need an excuse to ruin shit. All he needed to do was find the three chunks of Triforce. The first one came pretty easily. One day, he opened up his door to find the Fed-Ex guy standing there with a rather large package. Upon opening it, he found the Triforce of Power enshrouded in bubble wrap, with a note from the goddess Nayru stating that he in fact was its destined owner. He figured that the other two pieces would come just as easily. They didn't. |
So he went on a rampage and set fire to random crap throughout Hyrule in futile attempts to find them. His name became infamous in the land, and he developed quite a nasty reputation. After a few years of chaos, Hyrule's savior finally arrived. His name was Link, and he promptly kicked Ganon's ass all the way from Death Mountain to Lake Hylia. It ticked our evil pig off even more when he found out who the two destined owners of the other Triforce parts were. The ditzy Princess Zelda had the Triforce of Wisdom (insert joke here), and the green Keebler elf Link had the Triforce of Courage. Thus began the never-ending process of kidnaping Zelda, stealing the Triforce, and getting kneed in the balls repeatedly by Link. At least now he has fun torturing the two elves. |
Oh, and he loves Bea Arthur. He spends hours upon hours up on Death Mountain watching reruns of The Golden Girls on cable, dreaming that one day Bea Arthur will grace his condo and profess her eternal love to him. But until that day comes, all Ganon can do is kidnap Zelda and get his ass kicked by the Hero of Time. It's a downward spiral. |
Special thanks to Lysia for the Ganon pictures!! Lots of hugs! :::HUGS!!!::: I squished you now. Haha! Go vist her page too! |
