In the words of Jean Valjean: Bring me home! The Legend of Zelda Intro Page! |
I've been playing too much Ocarina of Time: Master Quest lately. Blame that for this chapter taking so long to complete! Here's Chapter 14! |
Chapter Thirteen: Right Between the Eyes It was the morning after Sir Poopsalot's debut, and life was trying to get back to normal at Hyrule Castle. Wait, did I just use the word "normal"? What the hell is wrong with me? Nothing is normal in Hyrule! Ok, you get my drift. Up in the castle tower, Princess Zelda slumbered peacefully, snuggled between her heart decorated Ikea sheets and Rainbow Bright comforter. The horror of the previous night eluded her dreams, leaving her to fantasize about her favorite heroic elf in his dandy white tights. She did not stir until a beam of sunlight shone through her window, rudely awakening her. "Stupid sun..." she mumbled, sitting up. "I had just gotten to a good part in my dream." A knock at her door pissed her off even further. "Goddamit, who the hell is that?" Only the king and Impa were allowed to disrupt her so early in the morning . Hell, even Link wasn't stupid enough to do that, and he's done a lot of stupid shit already in this story. Zelda looked down and quickly surveyed herself. She had fallen asleep in the dress she wore the night before and her make-up was smeared all over her face. Don't you hate it when that happens, ladies? Not in the mood to be bothered, she shrugged and threw the covers off. "Who is it?" she called. "Who dares to knock at my chamber door?" No response. "Link, are you playing hide-and-seek with Navi again?" Nothing. "Jesus Christ-" Before she could get up and answer it, Sir Poopsalot barged in dressed like some medieval freak. Zelda yelped at the sight of him and sprung from her bed. "Good morning, my beautiful bride-to-be! I thought it would be splendid to take a walk around Hyrule with you!" "Do you have any idea what time it is?" she growled as she put on her pink robe. "Hmm..." He looked out her window, then continued. "Judging by the position of the sun, I'd say it's about... 7:03 a.m., roughly." "Yes, it's seven in the morning! I'm usually still asleep by this time!" "The early bird gets the worm, that's what I always say! By the way, it took me about twenty minutes to find your bedroom. Never mind how long it took me to find the bathroom! I almost defecated in my armor! After all that, you now shun me, Princess?" "Yup." "Hmpf, very well. I take it that you're refusing my proposal for a morning walk?' "Boy, nothing gets by you, does it?" The knight frowned, defeated. "Fine. I shall see you at breakfast." Zelda watched him exit. She darted over to the door and slammed it in his wake. "And don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out." she growled. The chirping of some birds outside her window caught her attention. "Stupid birds!" Angrily, she stomped over to her window and began yelling, "Can't I get any sleep around--Ohh...now that's a sight I don't mind seeing so early in the morning..." Outside in the courtyard, the Hero of Time was setting up his archery equipment. The hot, humid late spring weather had caused Link to shed his tunic, thus leaving him without an ounce of clothing above the waist. Zelda whimpered at the way the sun glistened off his incredibly toned torso. She just wanted to lick him, but since she couldn't, she licked her lips instead, getting a taste of her own cotton candy flavored lip gloss. ...Great Din, what a body on that goon. Where the hell did he get such a six-pack stomach from? Ohhh...just looking at the way the muscles move in his back is enough to get me squishy. Aw, he's got a few scars on him, but that's so hot. Everyone knows how chicks dig scars, and I'm no exception. Link, why did you have to grow up to be such a hunk? Hm, wonder why he's up so early. Probably couldn't sleep either. Maybe I should go down there and offer him a back rub... Buzzing around Link's head was his guardian faerie, Navi. Zelda couldn't make out what she was babbling about, but her high-pitched squeak of a voice was audible enough for the princess to distinguish. Listening to that at seven in the morning must've been enough to drive Link to some early target practice. The Hylian snob continued to watch from her perch, oblivious to the fact that Sir Poopsalot had reentered her bedroom. "Your Highness, I can't find my way back to my quarters!" "Ack!" Zelda squealed, infuriated that he had walked in on her for the second time that day. Actually, she was more teed off that he interrupted her "let's ogle over Link" session. "Do you want me to draw you a damn map?!" "That would be wonderful!" "I was only kidding." "What were you looking so intently at?" "Huh?" "Out the window?" "Oh," She smiled to herself. "I was just admiring the view." "And what a view you must have up here!" He joined her next to the window and peered outside. "Excuse me! You're in my bedroom uninvited! What kind of chivalrous knight are you?" "...Admiring the view, huh?" The knight turned to Zelda. "Does Zink usually go out this early?" "Not usually." She folded her arms and returned to her bed, where she sat down. ...Shit! How the hell am I gonna get rid of this douche?! Didn't he notice how I was foaming at the mouth over Link? Ack!! I even admitted it! Stop it, Zelda! Stop it!! Block out the voices!! They're all going to laugh at you!!... "No matter, he's nothing but an annoying ant on the grand picnic that is my life." Poopsalot, ignoring Zelda, took a seat in the chair next to her mirror and looked around the room. "My, I can't wait until we share this room one day!" he marveled. "We won't be sharing anything together!" she sternly said. ...Unless if it's a highly contagious and fatal disease, where Link will risk his life to find me a cure and you'll just die and your skull will become a home for a family of lice-ridden mice... "It's going to be spectacular, Zelda! Just you wait! It'll be just us and our eight childrenall boys, of course. No flimsy girls. Our boys will grow up to be strong, just like their father! And if we have a girl, we'll send her off to finishing school and that'll be that! ...Zelda, are you listening?" "Nope." She suddenly felt compelled to look out the window again. Getting up, she headed back over to her now favorite spot and fixed her gaze on the courtyard. Luckily, Link was still there, sexy as ever, firing off arrows at an alarming rate. "Zelda, how rude! Is this the way you treat your future husband?" "No, I'd treat him much nicer." The princess momentarily tore her eyes off Link to smirk at Poopsalot, who clearly did not like her sauciness. "Bah! You talk like that now, but soon, you'll change your tune!" He rose to his feet and waved his fist around in the air like he had authority or something. "...Is that waffles I smell? Breakfast-time! See you, Princess!" In a flash, Poopsalot had vanished out the door. "Piss off..." Zelda grumbled under her breath. "Back to spying on Link!" Eagerly, she continued her stalker-like behavior. ...Damn, I'd rather eat him for breakfast, or maybe he'd let me lick it off his chest. I just want to bite into him! He's firing those arrows really fast. Hit quite a few bull's eyes too. He should go on all of his adventures shirtless. I think I'm turning into goo. Aw shit, I've been spotted!!... Navi the faerie, apparently perturbed about how Link was ignoring her, caught sight of Zelda in her window and flew up to greet, or rather scream at, the princess. "I saw you eyeing my Link!" the roach barked, doing circles around Zelda's head. "You've got that arrogant prick now, so leave me and Link alone!" "Shut up, Navi. I hate Poopsalot just as much as you do!" "What a pity." She faced Link's direction again and sighed. "Why don't you go downstairs and say something to him? If you can't already tell, he's pissed." "Probably hoping that some early morning target practice will blow off some steam." ...Link, I'd just like to blow you. That was just too easy. Why'd I even bother saying it? Oh, but I want to so badly!!!... "Yeah, that was the idea." Navi and Zelda both paused to stare at the Hero of Time for a few more minutes. Conversation resumed after Link started to pack up his equipment. "Dammit Zelda, you've got the power to go down there and do whatever you want to him! It gets me so angry that you just leave him hanging!" Navi wrinkled her nose at her own comment. "Well, it's not like you ever leave him hanging." "That was crude." "But oh so true." "I don't think anything you or I can say will make Link feel better." "That's bullshit!" Navi yelled in Zelda's face, her voice jumping up like ten octaves. The princess swore she heard what sounded like glass shattering from somewhere in the castle at the sound. "You mean to tell me you can't think of something to say that'll make him cheer up?! Scared to get the wood burning, Zelda? Afraid that your little blonde brain would explode if you thought that hard?!" "Shut the hell up, you crazy parasite! Do you want Link to hear you?" "Fine, I'll whisper then." the faerie huffed, but in fact did the exact opposite. "It's all your fault why he's like this! If that arrogant prick didn't show up on your behalf, Link would be fine!" She then shook her head and added, "Actually, he'd still be depressed, but it would have nothing to do with Poopsalot!" "It wasn't my fault Sir Crapsalot returned! I had no idea who he even was!" "That's 'Poopsalot!'" Mr. Arrogant Prick interjected from somewhere. "Fuck you!" the ladies screamed in unison. "Very well then!" came his cheery reply. Zelda disregarded him. "Anyway, I didn't know that asshole was going to come back! My daddy thought he died or got sent to Sumatra or something! Get off my ass, Navi!" "That's what I hate about you, Zelda!! Wait, I hate a lot of things about you, but this is what I really hate about you! Just give into your carnal urges already, goddamn you! Quit being such a pretentious bitch!" "What?!" the princess shrieked, not caring if Link overheard. "Go choke on a dust-ball, you flying infection! As a matter of fact, go find some flypaper to get suck onto and die, okay?" "I hate you!" Navi snatched a lock of Zelda's long blonde hair and began to tug on it. "And I bet you're not a natural blonde!!" "Shit!" The Hylian grabbed her pint-sized foe and began to shake her wildly, but that didn't stop the faerie! The bitch had a taste for blood! "Stop that before I rip off your wings and fry you under a magnifying glass!!" "Eeeeeeekkkk!!!" "Meow!" a male voice jokingly echoed. The girls stopped their quarreling and looked in the direction from where the sound emanated from. It came from the courtyard. "Catfight!" "What are you laughing at, Link?!" his faerie yelped, pushing Zelda's hand away. "She started it!" "Huh? Liar!" the princess hissed. "Heh, looking good, Princess!" the hero quipped, supporting his comment with a whistle. "Er, I..." ...You don't look so bad yourself, hero... "Thank you." "Hey!" Aaron, Link's little buddy, entered the courtyard and joined his mentor. "Dude, you're up early. Did your morning coffee give you the shakes or something?" "Just thought I'd get some early morning practice in." The Hero of Time then paused to look his friend over. Apparently, the teenager had taken a cue from Link and opted to go shirtless too. Unfortunately for him, the look didn't suit him as well as it did for our hero. "Er, Aaron..." "What?" "................." "...Not a good look for me yet?" Link silently shook his head negatively. "C'mon!" Aaron looked up at the ladies in the window. "What do you girls think?" "You've got man-boobs!" Navi squealed, cackling heavily. "I do not!" "No, you've got backne!" Zelda joined in for shits n' giggles. In case if you didn't know, dear readers, I did not just invent a word there. Back + Acne= Backne. See, who said pointless fan-fiction wasn't educational? You learn something new every day. "No I don't!!" the boy wailed. "Quit giving me a complex! You're going to make me even more pathetic than Link!" "That's not even possible!" the Hero of Time caught himself saying before he stopped to think about what the hell he had just said. "...Wait a minute. That's not right." "Fine, I'll put my tunic back on! I hate you all!" "When you get the 'hero package' you can go without a shirt, Aaron. For now, keep eating those Wheaties!" the faerie shouted from her seat on Zelda's windowsill. "Mmm, Wheaties!" Aaron tapped Link on the arm. "Let's go grab some grub, dude. Maybe Impa made us some Pop-Tarts!" "Sounds good!" Link swung his bow over his shoulder and looked up at his two favorite girls in the window. "Joining us for breakfast?" "Maybe later. I'm going to catch up on some sleep." Zelda stretched her arms. "That Poopsalot douche woke me up at the asscrack of dawn." "Ah-hem!" cried that same douche. The knight crawled out from under the rock he had been hiding and stalked over to Link and Aaron in the courtyard. "I would like to say something in my defense, your Highness. I am not a 'douche'. I'll have you know I do not use feminine cleansing products on my nether-regions!" "Ugh! Go to hell!" The princess angrily slammed her window shut and vanished from sight. "No, you're more like a prick." the Hero of Time casually interjected. "I'd go more along the lines of a giant phallus." Aaron smiled. Sir Poopsalot turned to address the infidels with the authority of a drill sergeant who looked like he was battling a massive case of excess gas in his lower intestines. Wow, that was some colorful lingo there. Think I should write Hallmark cards? "....Zink, I will chose to ignore the comments you and your little man-servant made about me just now. Instead, I'd like to extend the olive branch." "...Man-servant?" Link muttered to himself as he and Aaron exchanged puzzled glances. ...This asshole manages to piss me off with just his mere presence. I'd like to take that olive branch and stick it up his ass!! Even better yet, I'd love to sent my hookshot up there!... "Bink, how about you and I...become pals?" "Pals?" The hero raised an eyebrow. ...Pals?!! I want to use his spine as a back scratcher!... "Yes, pals. We're both men of valor. Two strong warriors such as ourselves must have numerous battle stories to tell. How about we go take a walk? I'll tell you all about my adventures and you'll just listen." Poopsalot noticed Link wasn't impressed with his suggestion. "Oh, and you can bring your little man-servant with us too. Hmm, he's more actually like your boy-servant. Isn't that cute? He's like a mini-you!" "How about I ram my iron boot right up your" Aaron quickly cut his mentor off, "What Link means to say is that he's not interested. You can go off and frolic and prance in the meadow all by yourself, okay?" "Hmpf!" The knight was offended. Hell, if I were him, I'd be offended just by my name. I guess I'd be a constipated prick too if I had to go through life named after the act of defecation. "I was just being honest! I guess honesty isn't the best policy!" "No, being a douche isn't the best policy." Link growled as he put on his trademark white undershirt and green tunic. The "man-servant" had to stifle in a laugh. ...Link, that was just awesome. Sometimes you amaze me, dude. I so want to follow in your footsteps one day...but I don't want to be a pathetic twenty year old virgin. Hey, everything else about you is cool though! You'll score with Zelda someday, Link! Rock on!!!... "By Jove! Your vulgarity shocks and awes me! I feel like I need a turpentine bath just after speaking with you. Anyway...tomorrow is Hyrule's annual archery contest, followed by a Medieval Times dinner, complete with scantily clad wenches. The king was telling me about it. I heard it's lovely!" Poopsalot began. Link rolled his eyes. "Are you thinking of competing, Stink? I heard you're undefeated. I'd like to change that." "Count me in, bitch." the Hero of Time replied, grinding his teeth together. "Link's gonna open a can of whoop-ass on you, Sir Shitsalot!" Aaron boasted. "He's gonna send your gay behind back to Ganon's castle, ya heard?" "Bah!" Poopsalot hissed. Bah bah, black sheep! "Then I shall see you at the archery range tomorrow!" With that, the knight dramatically tossed his white cape to his side and whirled around in one graceful motion. "I'm spent!" The poopy-challenged arrogant prick exited the scene. Just before Link could string up an arrow and send it straight up Poopsalot's buttocks, Aaron took him by the arm and began to drag him towards the castle kitchen. "C'mon, dude. Let the fragrant smell of smore Pop-Tarts calm the beast within..." "I'm going to kill him! I'm going to kill him until he's dead!!" ...He's SO on my Shit List!!!!... Link's protegee had to practically drag him across the courtyard to get him back into the castle. When they were almost there, our hero's nostrils caught a whiff of the yummy breakfast treats Impa had cooked up and scooted into the kitchen. Aaron shrugged and followed. Upon entering, the pair was greeted by the elderly nursemaid, was holding a tray of fresh Pop-Tarts in one hand and a glass with her dentures in the other. "Greetings, boys!" She smiled a gummy smile. It caused Link and Aaron to cringe. "Did I forget to put my teeth in again?" "Y-Yes." they stuttered, trying their best not to stare at her. ...Christ... Link thought. ...That's so gross. It makes my skin crawl! It's almost as gross as Ganon's Bea Arthur obsession!... Meanwhile, up on Death Mountain, Ganon was spying on his favorite elf through the Crackerjack Box of Doom. "BLAST!!! WHAT DOES THAT FOOL HAVE AGAINST BEA?! DAMN YOU, MR. LEFTY! BEA IS MORE OF A MAN THAN YOU'LL EVER BE!!" Anyway...back in the Hyrule Castle kitchen, Impa had put in her teeth while Link and Aaron munched away on smore and strawberry Pop-Tarts. No, I'm not schilling for Kellogs here. Pop-Tarts is the breakfast of champions! Er, that and a shot of scotch. "How do you feel, Link?" Impa asked. "...Could be better." "I made those smore ones just for you!" She nudged the tray on the table in his direction. "You had a rough night." "Thanks, Impa. At least someone cares about me." "Dude, after last night, I'm just glad you didn't kill yourself." Aaron added, not realizing the impact his words had on his mentor. Link stared at him blankly for that comment. "Was it something I said?" "............" "Good morning, all!" Princess Zelda's impeccable timing saved Aaron's ass. "Hello, Princess!" everyone welcomed her. Link tore his eyes away from his breakfast to gaze at Zelda, who was still in her dress from last night. ...Sweet merciful crap, just seeing her in that made me feel a zillion times better. Hmm...maybe I can "accidentally" splash some water on her top... Oh, how cruel! I don't think the king and his entire army would be able to restrain me from pouncing on her then!! Link, have you resorted to juvenile tactics to score? Why yes, yes you have... "I thought you were going back to sleep, Zelda." Link said, trying his best to avert his eyes from her bosom, which had managed to peek out from her plunging neckline. ...They have a mind of their own! Kinda like my...er, never mind... "Dammit, I couldn't sleep!" she whined, opening up the cabinet to take out her favorite Hello Kitty cereal dish. "That jerk Poopsalot freaks me out. I'm afraid to sleep now! I need to get a deadbolt for my door. He thinks he can just prance into my chambers uninvited!" ...Only Link can do that! Ouch! It's too early in the morning for me to be thinking to myself like this... "He certainly is a character." Impa exclaimed. "Earlier he came in here and demanded that I make him banana-nut pancakes with toast. When I asked him if I looked like I worked at IHOP, he scowled and went God knows where." "I just want to...to...punch him!" Zelda pounded her dainty fist on the kitchen counter (yes, they had those in medieval times), causing everything on it to rattle. Link raised an eyebrow. ...She's getting violent. That turns me on like you wouldn't believe... Well, that and just about anything she does turns me on like you wouldn't believe. Stop kidding yourself, Link. You are one poor bastard... "Don't feel so bad, Princess." he told her. "I hate him just as much as you do. He challenged me to the archery contest tomorrow. Would I get disqualified if I shot him with an arrow right between the eyes?" "If anyone else did it, yes. But if you did it, no." "Oh, splendid!" From out of nowhere ran in a frantic servant. He appeared frazzled! Author's Note: Not to be mistaken with Fraggle, those fuzzy creatures from Fraggle Rock. If anyone else out there remembers this show, I give you mad props. "Princess Zelda!" he cried. "Your cat is tangled in the rosebushes again!" "My poor kitty!!" Zelda instantly dropped her bowl and darted outside. "Link, you should go and help her." Impa directed, picking up after the princess. "Yeah Link, go and catch that pussy." Aaron joked with a double entendre. The Hero of Time stood up and smirked to himself. ...I'll get that pussy. Oh, and Zelda's cat too. Meow!... Aaron flashed Link a thumbs-up. He knew the hero too long to not know what he was thinking. After Link had departed from the kitchen, Impa turned to the teenager. "It's about time that boy got some pussy!" Shocked shitless at the nursemaid's statement, Aaron sent itty-bitty Pop-Tart pieces flying out of his mouth. Outside, Link walked down the path that lead around the castle wall. It didn't take him long to find Zelda. She was seated next to the Royal Rosebushes, attempting to untangle Miss Snuffles. The cat was totally not cooperating with her. "Miss Snuffles, you have to stay still!" Zelda scolded, taking one of the feline's front paws. "I said stay still!" "MEOW!" the animal screeched. In cat language that means, "Quit hurting me, you bimbo!!" "Miss Snuffles, I can't help you if you keep wriggling around like that!" "MEOW! HISS!" "Goddamit!!" "Need help, Princess?" Link asked, kneeling down next to her. "Oh, you surprised me! Yes Link, maybe you can do something, even though I think she hates you more than she hates me." Zelda sat back and let her hero take over. "...Thanks. Here, let me try." ...Thank God I've still got my gauntlets on, otherwise this damn cat would probably bite the hell out of me... "C'mon, kitty." He gently placed one hand on Miss Snuffles' back and began to untangle her with the other. Zelda silently watched the interaction. She couldn't understand why her cat stopped struggling at Link's touch, but recoiled at her own. ...Maybe he's got the "magic touch"... Sweet Nayru, do I want to find out what that is! He looks so good, but in a scuzzy way. The bags under his eyes aren't helping either...yet he still manages to turn me on! Squeee!!!... "There you go, kitty. All free." Link forced a smile. Then the cat did something it never did beforeact nice to him. With great gratitude, it rubbed her head excitedly against his hand, demanding to be stroked. "Aw, she's grown fond of you." Zelda sweetly said. ...Can you stroke another part of my anatomy like that?... "Yeah, well at least someone around here appreciates me." "Link, that isn't true! Don't say things like that." Miss Snuffles turned her attention towards her mistress, who continued to rub her behind the ears. "I don't know, Zelda." Link sat down, rested his back against the castle wall and sighed. "I'll make it no secret. I feel very underappreciated." "Link, you have so many people here who care for you. My father, Impa, Aaron...Navi, that annoying roach...and of course, me." she softly reassured him. The "me" part came out in almost a whisper, but it was enough for him to hear. "You really mean that Zelda?" "I guess." The Hero of Time's eyes widened. She quickly corrected herself. "Of course I do, Link! Don't be a tard!" "Well if you put it that way..." he chuckled. Zelda took this opportunity to move closer to him. He welcomed her advances. The majority of you readers should enjoy this part, because I know many of you eat it up when I make warm, squishy moments between the pair. For the rest of you, you may want to break out the vomit bags. Then again, you all know how I end these things. Oops, I've said too much! This chapter will self-destruct in fifteen seconds. Up on Death Mountain, Hyrule's number one Link and Zelda fan was still spying on them through his magic Crackerjack Box. He had nothing else better to do. "AH HA HA! LINK, YOU BETTER GET WHAT'S DUE TO YOU! YOU ARE SO PATHETIC THAT YOU MAKE PAULY SHORE LOOK LIKE A STUD MUFFIN! YOU ARE SO SILLY THAT YOU MAKE PARIS HILTON LOOK LIKE A PARAGON OF MATURITY, AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE THAT BLONDE, UNTALENTED LITTLE SLUT! I HATE HER BLONDE BONEY BEHIND EVEN MORE THAN I HATE ZELDA'S BLONDE BONEY BEHIND! THAT BITCH HAS THE WORST CASE OF LAZY-EYE I'VE EVER SEEN!" Ganon's rant was interrupted by loud banging on the opposite side of his wall. It was his tired minions. "Can you shut the hell up in there?! Your maniacal raving is getting old!" "...Sorry. I forget how thin these walls are." Back to the Hylian duo! "Zelda?" "Yes, Link?" "Remember last night?" "I beg your pardon?" She felt herself grow nervous and played dumb...not that it was difficult for her to do so. "After I slapped Poopsalot, we went back to your room...and then your father came in." "Oh yeah..." ...No sense in holding back now, Zelda! Time to tell him what you were planning on telling him last night. Suck it up and be a man!... She shyly giggled. It got Link's plumbing going so badly that he had to bite his lip to prevent himself from giggling too. "Before that, I wanted to talk to you about something." "What is it?" On the outside, Link's features remained stern, but on the inside, he was about to shit his tights. "Um..." ...Poop! I can't say it now! I should've had a shot of tequila before attempting to say this!... To make it easier for her and nicer for himself, he reached out and wrapped his arms around the princess, pulling her closer to him. She followed his lead without objecting, and contented herself by placing her head on his shoulder. He deepened the embrace by closing his legs around her, so she couldn't escape even if she tried. Mwa ha ha! "Link, it's about...us." "Oh? What about us, Zelda?" He playfully wrapped a lock of her blonde hair around his index finger. ...Smooooth. Just keep acting all cool, Link. Make believe you're not ready to break down and cry like a sissy, although you really, really are... "Er, umm...about last night." "I remember quite fondly about what happened last night. That asshole Poopsalot showed up and almost singlehandedly ruined the rest of my life." "No...after that." "Heh, you mean when we were in your bedroom, and we got interrupted...again." "Bingo." "So what are you trying to say, Zelda?" "What I'm trying to say is..." She paused to gaze into his blue eyes. ...Is that Acqua Di Gio on him? Goddamn he smells good! Looks dirty, but smells good! Oh...his Pop-Tart breath makes me want to kiss him even more! I better say something. He's staring at me like I have snot hanging out of my nose or something... "Do I have snot hanging out of my nose or something? Why are you staring at me like that?" "No!" Link laughed, sensing her nervousness. "You're just a beautiful sight to stare at." ...What was that, dear readers? Is that the sound people make while picking dried barf chunks off their computer monitors? The pair chuckled for a bit to kill the seconds between them. As if they were magnets, their eyes locked again, and the two felt the same strong familiar urges that wake them up in the middle of the night when they're craving some lovin'. The playful mood had gone, and now they were both serious for once. "Link?" Zelda's voice had become suddenly breathy. ...Holy crap, when did I turn into Kathleen Turner?!... You can say Link startled himself too with his unexpected sexy stud tone. "Yes, Princess?" She brought her face closer to his. He pressed his forehead against hers and closed his eyes. Zelda had to breathe with her mouth open because she had become extremely overheated on the inside. Is it hot in here? "This is exactly where we were last night before Daddy walked in..." "I've noticed." "Do I have to even say the words?" "No, I'm not that dense." "Good." The two leaned in to tongue each other, but a sudden jab in Zelda's side caused her to pull away a little bit. "Ouch, what is that?" Link felt his face grow even hotter than it already was. "Oh jeez, that's embarrassing. I'm sorry, Zelda. Sometimes I can't help myself. I mean, you're so pretty and" "No, not that." Without asking, she reached into his satchel and produced a small stone that resembled a puzzle piece. "This. It stuck me when I went to-" "Hehe, that's a Kinstone." "Where'd you find it?" "I tripped over it in Hyrule Castle Town not too long ago." "That's funny, because I've got one too." She nonchalantly reached down her corset top and pulled out a piece very similar to Link's. Don't ask me why she had it there. You know how some women keep money under their bra straps? Well, Zelda keeps Kinstones. It didn't matter to Link though, because just the sight of it totally got the spark going again. Without thinking, his grip around her tightened and he rested his chin on her head. "...Wanna see if they fit together?" he questioned naughtily. She played along, the entire time having another perverted thought in mind. "I bet our pieces will fit snugly together, Princess." "Ohh...if they do, maybe we'll both get lucky..." "Sweet Jesus in Heaven, I can only hope..." They shakily moved the Kinstones closer to each other, overly eager to see just how damn lucky they'd get. I can't believe I've turned an innocent side quest from The Minish Cap into a debauched treat to arouse Link and Zelda. Someone slap me...but not too hard, because I may enjoy it. All of my nonsensical banter aside, the pair watched intently as their pieces slid effortlessly into place. Without even realizing it, they both whimpered when the stones unified into one solid green Kinstone. "They fit." Zelda whispered into her hero's ear. The princess' warm breath sent a chill up Link's spine, and at that very moment, he thought he lost his virginity. "I-I know...so are we going to get lucky?" "Link?" "Yes?" ...Holy crap is she going to say it?? Is she going to say the words that I've been waiting to hear all my life? Er, not "Congratulations Link, your entire life has been one giant Candid Camera episode", but the other words! Jesus, I think I'm going to have an aneurysm!... She placed her hands on his chest, where she could feel his heart racing...and not to mention his sexy muscles. Meow, ladies! In a ragged voice she told him, "Tonight. My room. Bring whipped cream." ...Okay... Link thought. ...Those weren't exactly the words I've been waiting almost a decade to hear, but they'll sure as shit do!!... "Your wish is my command, Princess. Now, where were we?" They attempted to kiss again until Link felt something rubbing up against his legs. Thinking it was Miss Snuffles, he joked, "Your little kitty just can't wait, huh?" "Huh?" "Are those your hands then?" "No, my hands were wandering up your tunic just now." "Then what the hell is?" Link and Zelda were both floored when they caught sight of the uninvited guest who crashed their interlude. "A baby octorok?" "Ew!" the princess shrieked. "Kill it!" "I'm not going to kill it! He's cute! Maybe he's our prize for uniting the Kinstones." The small red octorok stared blankly up at the pair with its huge black eyes. It made some kind of cooing sound, then scooted about a bit with its legs before plopping down in front of Link. "Where did it come from?" Zelda snapped. "And why is it in my courtyard?!" "It probably got separated from its mommy. I encounter these guys all the time on my adventures, Zelda. They're pretty harmless. You just have to dodge the rocks they spit at your head." Link reached out to touch it, but the octorok backed away. It proceeded to gaze up at him. "Maybe he's lonely." "Watch him hit you right in the head, hero." Link smirked, yanking Zelda close to him again. "You'd like to see that, wouldn't you?" "I have at admit, it would be funny." The octorok must've understood Hylian, or whatever language Link and Zelda talk in, because as soon as she said that, the creature hurled a rock right at the Hero of Time's head, where it made quite an impact. Instantly Zelda, and even the octorok in its own little way, began to laugh at Link's misfortune. "....That really hurt!" he whined, rubbing the side of his head. "That bastard! Now I'm going to have a mark!" "Ohhh I like him now!" The princess, forgetting about her raging lust for Link and her fear of Ganon's underlings, picked up the octorok and held it up to her face. It didn't spit at her or anything, but continued making strange noises that could be compared to a guinea pig squeaking. "Thinking of keeping it, Zelda?" "I shall call him...Octy." "That's nice and creative." Link quickly said as he rolled his eyes. "Anyway, my head is now aching." "I'm sure it is..." Zelda purred. ...Oh, I hope that didn't go right over his head. Judging by the look in his eye, it didn't... "You have no idea." He resisted the urge to kiss her. Octy stared at him from Zelda's lap and continued to stare at him until Link turned away. "Er, I'm going to go take a bath." ...Why don't you join me, Zelda? But leave that damn octorok outside!... He released the princess from his grip and was just about to stand up before she stopped him. "Remember the whipped cream, hero." She placed a kiss on his nose. "There's more where that came from." Link felt his eyes bug out. He chuckled like a Catholic schoolgirl while he energetically nodded his head. Shit, he was just glad she didn't go schizo on him like she usually did. "I won't forget!! I'll be there...say around 10-ish?" "Perfect." Zelda stood up and cradled Octy. "Bye, Link." "Bye..." Link watched as Zelda made her way back into the castle. Miss Snuffles trotted happily behind her mistress, but seemed curious about the odd animal she was holding. ...I hope Octy gets that cat right between the eyes...and I hope I get Zelda right between the legs. Oh! That was so good, Link! If I already wasn't such a loser, I'd give myself a high-five right now! Tonight is going to be soooo amazing! I can't wait to rub Poopsalot's face in it that I'm seeing his precious princess and he's not! Ha! I just served him in my mind! ...That was really lame--Holy shit, it's Ganon!... "MWA HAHA! IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU AWOKE FROM YOUR EMPTY THOUGHTS, MR. LEFTY! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU DO ANY REAL THINKING ANYWAY!" Link was shocked to see Ganon floating horizontally right in front of him. "What the hell are you doing here?!" he shouted, but then lowered his voice. He didn't want anyone else to see the Evil Incarnation of Darkness. "...You haven't fully figured out that warping thing yet, have you?" Link joked, alluding to Ganon's penchant for floating in all different directions except for the right one. "SHUT UP! I'M NOT HERE TO EXCHANGE INSULTS WITH YOU, SWINE!" "But you just did" "I CAME BECAUSE YOUR DITZY PRINCESS JUST STOLE MY PET! THE OCTOROK WAS A FAITHFUL MINION OF MINE! I WANT HIM BACK!" Out from the castle meandered Aaron, who for no particular reason, headed over to the Royal Rosebushes where Link was still seated, conversing with the Evil Pig. Fearing for his safety, he hid behind an archway and stared. "...That's Ganon? He looks like a ten foot tall Looney Toons character!! Link couldn't have found a better nemesis than that?!" Ganon continued to fight with Link over possession of Octy the Octorok. "Why the hell am I arguing with you over this?" Link growled. "And furthermore, how did you know Zelda took the octorok?" "BECAUSE..." ...BLAST! I CAN'T HAVE HIM KNOW THAT I'VE BEEN SPYING ON HIM THROUGH MY MAGIC CRACKERJACK BOX OF DOOM! QUICK GANON, THINK OF SOMETHING!... "BECAUSE I JUST KNOW, OKAY?" "Yeah right!" "DAMN YOU, YOU FREAKISH HYLIAN! I AM THE GREAT KING OF EVIL! I KNOW EVERYTHING--INCLUDING THAT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET LAID TONIGHT!" "What?! Fuck you!! You were spying on us, weren't you?" "N-NO I WASN'T! DON'T BE ACCUSING ME OF SUCH THINGS, LINK. YOU'RE THE PATHETIC ONE HERE! HOW ABOUT WE WAGE A BET?" "Huh?" Ganon's offer took Link by surprise. "CLEAN OUT THOSE LARGE POINTY DUMBO EARS OF YOURS AND LISTEN! WHAT'S A FRIENDLY BET BETWEEN ARCHENEMIES?" "...What are the terms?" "IF YOU GET LAID TONIGHT, I WILL NEVER BOTHER YOU AGAIN. NO MORE STEALING ZELDA AND THE TRIFORCE. NO MORE EVIL STUFF. AND YOU GET TO KEEP OCTY." "And if I don't get laid?" "THEN I GET TO WREAK HAVOC ALL OVER HYRULE!!" Ganon smiled before adding calmly, "Link, you know how much I love doing that." He then started shouting again like a senior citizen in a bingo hall, "AND YOU HAVE TO SIT THROUGH THE FIRST TWO SEASONS OF THE GOLDEN GIRLS WITH ME ON DVD!" "Ack! Jesus Christ! I better get laid!" "HEH, KEEP PRAYING! I DON'T THINK GOD AND HIS ENTIRE CANON OF SAINTS CAN HELP YOU, BUT YOU MIGHT AS WELL GIVE IT THE OLD COLLEGE TRY, RIGHT MR. LEFTY?" "..........." Link was seething. "GOOD! IS IT A BET THEN?" "Damn straight!" "MWA HAHA! NOW, WHERE IS THAT OTHER BABBLING IDIOT?" "Who?" "THAT...THAT...ARROGANT CONSTIPATED PRICK!" "Oh, Sir Poopsalot?" "YES! BOY, DO I LOATHE HIM! HE MAKES MY SKIN CRAWL!" "It's your fault he's back here! You should've kept him locked up in your dungeon!" "BUT JUST KNOWING THAT HE IS BUSTING YOUR BALLS BRINGS A SMILE TO MY FACE!" Link frowned at Ganon's words. The Prince of Thieves clapped his porky hands together. "I MUST BE OFF. I'M GETTING MY VILLA IN GERUDO VALLEY PAINTED. GOOD LUCK TO YOU, MY FAVORITE KEEBLER ELF! MAY HELL FREEZE OVER TONIGHT!" With some more insane guffawing, the Great King of Evil warped out of there in a cloud of neon blue smoke. Aaron emerged from his hiding spot and darted over to Link. "Woah, dude! I just saw Ganon! He's...piggish." "Yeah he's a schmuckhey, how did you see Ganon?" "Um, I was looking out my window." "Bullshit! You were spying on me! Can't a hero get any privacy around this dump?" "You got me there, dude. I was heading over to Hyrule Castle Town to check out the hot wenches when I heard someone screaming. Lo and behold, I found you and Ganon. What were you guys talking about?" "Nothing." "Whatever, dude. I also saw Zelda inside. She was holding an octorok. What the hell is up with that?" "It's her new pet." "So when are you gonna be tappin' her ass?" It was a rhetorical question Aaron asked Link on a daily basis, but this time, the answer he got was different from the norm. "Maybe tonight!" "Say what?!" "She wants me to go up to her room later!" Link was happy again. He became almost childlike. "Aaron, I'm gonna score!" "Sweet!! It's about damn time! You tell her who her daddy is, fool!" Later that afternoon, the Hero of Time was preparing himself for his meeting with destiny. Coincidence that one of Zelda's titles is Princess of Destiny? I think not! It was time for Link's bubble bath. He had his entire body submerged in his bathtub basin thingie, totally relaxed. Only his face was showing. A serene smile spread across his lips as he kept his eyes shut, deep in thought. ...I'm gonna kiss her! I'm gonna kiss her! I'm gonna kiss her!... Navi, who loved to watch him bathe, perched herself on the bathtub's rim and dipped her feet in the lukewarm water. Kicking them back and forth, she stared at Link and wondered what in God's name was going through his Hylian brain. "What are you so happy about? Tunics going on sale at Wal-Mart tomorrow?" "I'll just ignore that, Navi." Link calmly replied, still keeping his eyes closed. "Don't hide things from me, dammit! I know something's going down later, and you won't clue me in!" "Something, or shall I say, someone, is going down later...on me!" "Link!" she barked, folding her arms together. "Stop it! Quit lying! I'm your guardian faerie!" "Navi, I'm twenty years old!" He sat up and scowled at her. "I don't think I need a guardian faerie anymore! I'm not even a Kokiri. Sheesh..." "Fine! If that's the way you feel!" She started to fly off when Link reached out and grabbed her wings. "Let me go!" "I'm sorry, Navi. I'm just really excited." "About what?" she snarled. "...This has got to be interesting." "About tonight." "Why?" "Zelda wants me to go to her room later..." He let his voice trail off. The faerie wasn't impressed. "So?" "So?! So we can...heh..." "So you can...?" Link sighed and released her. She took a seat on the rim again. "Well Navi, if you must know, I finally think Zelda wants to..." He stopped to think of the right words. "...Take our relationship to the next level." "Ha! Ha!" Navi laughed. " Oh, so now instead of you following her around on your hands and knees, obeying her each and every whim, she'll allow you to stand upright and do so?" "No, Navi. Not like that." he snarled. "Okay, I get it now. She going to loosen the leash around your balls so you can stray just a tad bit farther while obeying her each and every whim?" "Navi, you're coming really close to knocking Poopsalot out of the number one slot on my Shit List right about now!" "Wait, I have it!" Navi held out her tiny hand to silence him, but couldn't stop laughing. "She's going to let you lick her dainty royal toes instead of letting you wipe her royal ass? Er, wait. You'd like that. Ha! Ha!" "Y'know, everyone makes fun of me." Link complained. He didn't want his pet faerie to piss on his parade, even if her piss was more like drizzle. "I do so much for this goddamn place! Gee, I'm only the Hero of Time! Shouldn't I get some sort of benefits, like a nice 401K? I'll even settle for a decent heath insurance plan! No matter, tonight Zelda will make it up to me." "Ha! Ha! Ha! I can just picture you licking her crusty feet! Ha!!! Ha!!!" "Laugh all you want, you overgrown fruit fly. I'll be the one getting the last laugh" "Holy shit, Link!! Hahaha!!! You're delusional!" Navi was now laughing so hard that she lost her balance and accidentally fell into the bath water. Link took this opportunity to quickly g |