*Parts of the beginning and middle of this chapter were written by Rinoafreak. Once again I did some editing, but kept her shizznit intact. Once Navi had "regained" her ability to fly, Link scurried off after Zelda. He found her sitting on a fallen tree trunk near the river, sulking. Her arms were folded and she was pouting her royal lips, which made Link want to kiss her even more. ...Hmm... Link told himself. ...She's mad. Then again, she's always mad. Why am I shocked? God, she looks really really really pissed off. I guess if I got bitten in the ass by a rabid faerie I'd be pretty ticked myself. Mmm...Zelda, you're good enough to eat... The Princess looked up and saw him coming. "Link! Why does that flying cockroach have to follow you around? Goddamit, she bit me! She's like a...a...mosquito! She--" "She's gone." he interrupted. "Oh, well good!" Zelda crossed her arms a second time and turned away from him. "Uh look, we're going at have to stay here for a while." Link began to explain, while the clammy feeling of his tunic rubbing up against his skin began to annoy him beyond belief. "Our clothes are all wet, and they should dry before we set out again. The last thing I need is to catch pneumonia on this journey into oblivion..." "I noticed that they're all wet," she snapped. "So...umm...I'm not about to battle Ganon with dripping clothes." At his words, Zelda turned and glared at him. He knew she wasn't happy about having to stall their trip once again, and that if she could roast him on a spit she would. Not knowing what else to say, he gave her a half-smile. ...God...he thought ...Her wet shirt is sticking to her... "Oh, fine!" the Princess barked. "We can stay here." With that, she got back up to her feet and stomped back towards Epona. Link could do nothing but shrug her attitude off. The only thing salvaging the situation was Zelda's wet, white shirt. The next hour was spent setting up a little camp site, which basically involved gathering sticks for firewood and a whole lot of nothing else. "Link?" Zelda asked as she threw some sticks onto the small pile they had already accumulated. "Yeah?" "Where's the tent?" "No tent." "....Sleeping bags?" "Nope." "....Nightlight?!" her voice was now frantic as she questioned her Hero. "That's what the fire's for, Princess. There are no creature comforts out here." He smiled a wicked smile. ...Time to make this prissy princess suffer and live like the normal folk. Link, you're so bad. Oh, I know... When they had enough sticks Zelda sat down on the grass with a sigh. She rolled her head around on her shoulders, then noticed Link staring lasciviously at her shirt. "What are you looking at?" she quickly asked. That snippet from her had snapped him out of his impure thoughts. "Oh, nothing..." As he mumbled the words, a sinister idea began forming in his little Hylian brain. "I'll be right back!" he smiled. "Huh? What're you doing now?" Link didn't even bothering answering her and began to stroll through the trees. "Wait!" Zelda called. "Where are you going? Don't leave me alone!" Grinning, he turned around with his thumbs in his pockets to face her. "I hate wearing wet clothes. I'm going to take them off and hang them somewhere to dry." he nonchalantly explained. She blinked. He began strolling away again. "Oh, and nopeeking!" he yelled over his shoulder. She blushed and screamed back, "You don't have to worry about that, Mr. Hero!" Link didn't bother turning around to rebuke her and simply kept walking. Zelda, now not sure what he was up to, began to anxiously pull up grass from the ground for a minute or two. Then she heard the sound of a loud male singing voice coming from about twenty feet away. She looked up, and her jaw dropped open and she felt her face get hot again. The Hero of Time was standing a short distance away to her left, only partially screened by the bushes. He had stripped down to his...tight....boxer shorts and was singing "When I Think About You, I Touch Myself" while moving around to the beat. ...Oh...oh dear...he looks so...gorgeous... Zelda deliciously pondered. Link's devious plan was working. Zelda's right hand began to slide downward. ...NO!...she thought. In an effort to quell the err...emotions she was suddenly feeling, she put her thumb into her mouth and bit down hard on it to keep it there. ...Link just looks so beautiful. The light streaming through the trees is shining on his hair. His blue boxers with clouds on them-actually, that's kinda odd...No matter, I wish he'd take them off... Link glanced over his shoulder and saw that Zelda was indeed looking at him. He smiled to himself victoriously. ...Yeah Link, you're the man!... "No peeking!" he shouted. "I-I'm not looking at you!" She tried to sound disgusted, but her breath was coming in short, rapid gasps. Her thumb was bleeding where she had her front teeth digging into it. "I-I'm looking at...uh...the clouds!" The Hero laughed. "The ones on my shorts?" he asked. "What shorts?" She tried to sound dumb, which was usually an easy task for her, but now her thoughts were flailing all over the place and she couldn't even lie good enough to sound convincing. "Are you wearing shorts?" "Maybe." He began to move around again, as if he were fixing his clothes on their branches. But he was actually trying to decide whether or not to take his shorts off. After a few tense moments, he decided to make a compromise. He quickly stole a glance at Zelda to see if she was still watching. Of course, she was. Loudly, he began to sing again while he slowly pulled his shorts down until his hips and lower torso were exposed. Zelda was now very excited. ...Come on!...Just pull them down a little more... She eagerly thought to herself. Suddenly, to her utter dismay, Link stopped. "Oh!" he chirped. "They're all dry now." He pulled his cloud covered shorts back up and started to pull his tunic and tights off the tree branches. "Crap!" Zelda quietly snapped. Link began to sing again, "When I think about you, I touch myself..." ...That's it! He wants to play hardball, huh? I'll show him how to play the game of hard- to-get! I'm the frickin' queen of that!... Zelda mused as she stood up. "Link!" "When I think about you--yes, Zelda?" "I'm gonna go take a bath in the river," Link's eyebrows raised at her statement, (heh, that wasn't the only thing that raised) and he turned to look at her. "Oh, really?" he grinned. "Yeah. Don't peek!" "I won't." he fibbed. It was a rather large fib on his part. So Zelda made her way over to the river's edge and found a nice, open spot. She undressed while keeping an eye out for Link's wandering eyes, then ventured into the river. The water was cool and relaxing, which helped calm down her urges. Link, being the eager beaver he was, immediately ran a little closer to where she was situated and hid behind a tree. From his spot he couldn't see much, just Zelda standing in the water. She had her back to him and the water came all the way past her dainty butt. "Come on, Zelda...turn around!" he said to himself. ...He's looking....Good... Zelda smirked, splashing some water around. ...Oh man oh man oh man...This ain't good! The woman of my dreams, the love of my life, the very meaning of my miserable existence, is standing totally naked only ten feet away from me, but I can't do a damn thing about it, yet she really wants me to do something. Why is this so goddam twisted?!... Link angrily thought as he looked on. ...This is so pathetic! Here I am, standing in my boxer shorts, with my miniature 'Master Sword' about to bust its guts out, while Zelda is daring me to make a move. What would she do if I took off my shorts and joined her? Would she jump my bones, or would she kick the living shit out of me? Jesus, why does this woman have to be so damn complicated?... Cue Avril Lavigne! Meanwhile, Ganon, the King of Thieves (he was recently upgraded from "prince"), was back at his castle nestled on the cliffs of Death Mountain, spying on the two through his magic Crackerjack Box of Doom. You know how most evil villains use some sort of crystal ball/mirror/other ridiculous contraption to see into the future or eavesdrop on others? Well, Ganon's got a magic Crackerjack Box. It totally rocked. "GODDAM THEM! Why can't they just get it on?! I mean, even though they're both Grade-A Assholes, they've just got to do it! If they don't with their own free will, I'm going to force them!" The evil king yelled to Miss Snuffles, who was seated happily next to the Crackerjack Box of Doom. Even though Ganon hated them both, he was still a sucker for love. "Miss Snuffles, I have a diabolical idea! Listen! When they come to rescue you..." He leaned foward and told the rest of his plan to the cat. Back to the Grade-A Assholes: Link wasn't fairing any better. He wanted Zelda, and he wanted her now, goddamit. It was his big chance, to finally snag that bitch and make her his forever and ever and ever, yet something was holding him back. The Princess grinned to herself, knowing how badly she was torturing the poor sucker. ...C'mon, big boy. This is your chance. If you have the balls enough, take off those cloud covered, yet strangely alluring, shorts and join me!... Link was jumping around, trying to get a better view of her through the trees and bushes. "No peeking!" she called again. No response. ...Hmpf. He's probably whacking away... ...Link, you limp-dick...he scolded himself. ...What's wrong with you? I'm a gentleman, that's what's wrong. I can't just sneak up on her like that--but she wants it!... The Princess was getting impatient with Link's procrastinating. Why wasn't he moving toward her? Was he really that retarded? She decided to give him another minute or two to show up. "Doobie doobie doo..." she sang to herself while splashing around the water a bit. Link was holding onto the trunk of the tree he was hiding behind very tightly. He dug his fingers into the bark, and his breathing was coming in quick gasps. It was time to end the baby games and get some lovin'. He hesitantly began to walk toward her. Zelda heard him move into the river. ...That's right. Come here. Time to put your 'Master Sword' where it really belongs... she thought, smiling like a fool. Link was taking small baby steps over to where she was, because he knew he had to be cautious. The idea of her still kicking the crap out of him lingered in his mind. ...Hurry up, damn you!!!... Zelda mentally hissed at him. Eventually he was right behind her. She felt his hot breath on her shoulder, then his arms snake around her delicate waist. Slyly, she giggled to herself. Soon, she felt his lips on her shoulder, then against her neck...then she bent her head back so he could kiss her lips, but...then...he woke up from his dream. "LINK!" Zelda screeched. He groggily opened his eyes to look up at her. "W...What happened?" "What happened?! While you were spying on me, a branch fell from the tree and crashed right onto that thick head of yours, knocking you unconscious! You dipshit!" "What?!" he cried, finally getting a sense of his cruel reality. Slowly he looked down and noticed that he was lying on the ground, still in his boxers, with a mysterious, giant wet spot in the crotch area. The Princess was fully dressed and glaring down at him. "Aww man..." he whined, resting his head back down. Zelda stormed off somewhere, leaving Link to revel in self-pity. Poor Ganon, who had witnessed the entire event, was outraged. "I DON'T BELIEVE IT! RIGHT WHEN HE WAS GOING TO MAKE A MOVE, A STUPID TREE BRANCH KNOCKS THE BASTARD OUT!" He smashed his fist against the table, scaring Miss Snuffles away. "When they come here, I'm going to take him and shove it into her with my own HANDS!!! JUST CALL ME CUPID! YES, CUPID, THE ANGEL OF EVILNESS! HAHAHAHAHAHA--err, that really wasn't that funny. I should stop talking to myself. The neighbors might start to wonder about me." If you think Ganon was upset, could you imagine how the unfortunate Hero of Time felt? The moment had left him feeling like the ultimate idiot. As he dressed he remembered what had happened. While he was watching Zelda and thinking about lustful thoughts, a tree branch had fallen and KO'd him. How ironic? What a freak occurrence! No, not really. It's just an example of the random crap you'll find in this story. "This isn't good. I just had to dream about Zelda, huh?" he growled while pulling on his brown boots. It took him about five more minutes to finish getting dressed. Once his token green hat was in place, he made his way back to their "camp". His clothing was still damp. That pissed him off too. There he found Zelda sitting on the ground, facing away from him, pulling up grass again. ...Shit, she looks mad. I can't even see her face, and she still looks mad! Link, brace yourself... "Hey, Zelda?" "Shut up and go kill us some dinner." she replied without even looking at him. ...Yup. She's mad... "Alright, I'll see what I can find here." He thought it would be better to leave her alone to cool off, anyway. He wasn't in the mood to get his balls busted anymore today. So he picked up his trusty bow and a quiver of arrows and set off to hunt down dinner. As he was walking through the woods, he kept thinking of Zelda. He saw a little golden birdie sitting in a tree, and it reminded him of Zelda. He saw a small rock on the ground...and it reminded him of Zelda. He saw a hawk staring at him with hungry eyes, and that really reminded him of Zelda. He leaned on a tree trunk and closed his eyes. ...Zelda...why does she have to be such a bitch? Why am I such a wimp? And why did that goddam tree branch fall on my head?!... His eyes opened a minute later and he remained absolutely still. Sitting about ten feet away was a cute bunny rabbit. It was in the middle of cleaning itself. Link, seeing this as his chance to snag some dinner, slowly raised his bow and arrow, aiming at the creature. Just as he was about to pierce it between the eyes, it looked up at him and blinked. Its little pink nose was twitching as it stared at him. Link hesitated. ...My God, Link! Just shoot it already!... He pulled the bowstring a little tighter. ...Damn, it's such a cute little bunny rabbit. I can't do it!... Link lowered the bow. He was thinking about giving it to Zelda as a pet when the Princess came out of the bushes behind the bunny. Link watched, amused. "Here, little rabbit!" she sweetly called. It hopped over to her, trustingly. She picked it up. ...Aww, how cute... Link smiled. Zelda smiled at the bunny...then suddenly twisted its little neck. The Hero heard it crack, and his jaw dropped open. "How could you do that to a cute little bunny?!" She looked at him and snarled, "Like...THIS!" She spun its neck around twice more, causing the head to come flying off. Link had no idea she could be so cruel to animals. He was calling PETA as soon as they returned to Hyrule Castle. "Oh my God, Zelda!" He was in shock. His pretty Princess not only had a cruel streak toward him, but toward cute, fluffy rodents as well. "What?" she casually questioned, looking up at him. "Well, would you rather STARVE?! HERE! TAKE THE HEAD AND MAKE A GODDAM KEYCHAIN OUT OF IT!" While raving wildly, she chucked the rabbit's head at him. It hit his chest and left a little blood on his tunic. "NOW, GO MAKE A FIRE!" she shouted as she stalked off. "Jesus Christ, I'm not going to even attempt arguing with her! She'd probably rip my head off and roast it for lunch! She's got to be going through PMS." he snarled to himself and the disembodied head now lying on the ground next to his feet. It was disturbing indeed. Link made his way back to their campsite and took a seat next to the pile of sticks. He grabbed two and began to rub them together in an attempt to start a fire. Zelda peered over his shoulder like a crazed sentinel. "Hey..." he began. "Rubbing these sticks together reminds me of...what...we...could be...doing...ohhh yeah, come on girl..." Zelda made a face. "C'mon, Zelda...that's it...oh yeah..." He was rubbing the sticks harder and harder together. "Oh...oh...I feel it, Zelda! Just a little more...yes...oh Jesus....c'mon! Oh! Oh! Oh!" A fire sparked to life and he threw the sticks into the flaming pile. "Ohhh yeah...that's it...you just made me very proud, Zelda." "LINK!" the Princess yelled. He jumped away from the fire at her outburst. "Here, Mr. Hero, make rabbit McNuggets for us." She dropped the decapitated rabbit on Link's lap. "Err...okay, I'll try." "No, you won't try. You will." she growled. After giving her commands, she sat down on a nearby tree stump and began to brush her fingers through her damp hair. Link just shrugged and grabbed a really big stick off the ground. He gazed at Zelda. "What are you waiting for, you lameass?" barked the Princess as her stare penetrated into his skull. Link lowered his head and impaled the carcass through the stomach and began to roast it like a marshmallow over the flame. "That's a good boy." she sarcastically said. ...Yeah, good boy. That's me. I'm not gonna be so good when you're screaming my name and begging for more!... he thought. Then he began to fantasize aloud, "That's right. She'll be screaming my name..." Zelda overheard his words and scowled at him. "What did you say?" ...Oh shit. Did I just say that out loud? I better just stop thinking--ouch! Damn blonde hair! Why can't she just lighten up a little?... "Link!" His head jerked up...both if you're wondering. "What, Princess?" "You're burning the rabbit!" "Oh!" He took the carcass away from the fire and began-reluctantly-to cut it with his Swiss Army Knife. Every hero had one of those. They came in real handy for killing and opening bottle caps and such. Zelda grabbed the first piece and began to gnaw on it. ...Damn him! He just had to get hit with a stupid tree branch? I wish this piece of meat were him. Tee-hee... She smiled unconsciously as she started at Link and bit into the meat. ...Jeez... he thought. ...Why is she looking at me like that? She looks like a demon... Zelda was still thinking about him, ...I'd take it...and put it in my mouth...and...and...ohh... She quit daydreaming when she realized she was sucking on the meat. Blushing, she took it out of her mouth. ...Okay, Zelda, you're getting carried away. He's a dork! Oh, but he's a hot dork! And he's so brave. But he couldn't even shoot a damn bunny! Zelda, you were just sucking on that bunny...that cute, little, poor, defenseless...bunny... She stared at the half burned remains on her stick and suddenly burst into tears. Link blinked. ...Aww fuck, what now?... One part of him wanted to make up for his last missed opportunity and remedy it, while his better, if not more stupid, half wanted him to back off and not take advantage of her, otherwise she'd kick his ass! The confused Hero moved over to Zelda and tenderly hugged her. "Zelda-" he started, but was abruptly cut off. "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME?!" she screamed. "Uh...I...don't know." "Oh! Forget you!" She pushed him away. "You're no help!" As quickly as she had began crying, she shot up and ran over to the riverbank, where she took a seat on the ground and began to pull up grass...again. ...Definitely PMS... Link told himself as he shook his head. "I better go and cheer her up." He made his way over to the river and joined the Princess. "Zelda," he gently said, sitting next to her. "Go away, you're only making it worse!" she cried, burying her face in her hands. And indeed he was worsening the situation. All she wanted to do was grab him, remove that smelly green tunic and those dirty white tights, and do whatever her little heart desired to him. Link wrapped his arm around her, unaware of her true intentions. ...Oh Link, why can't I tell you how much I lust for you, you dork? Why did you have to grow up to be so gorgeous? Why can't I tell you that I want you to bone me until I squeal like a pig? Oh, why? Oh, why?... "Zelda?" Link questioned, pushing some bangs away from her face with his free hand. He began thinking to himself while staring at her, ...Why can't I just tell her how much I love her? And that if we got together, I'd treat her like the princess she really is? That I'd be her slave to everything--and I do mean everything... "Oh, Link!" she unexpectedly whined, wrapping her arms around him and resting her head on his chest. "I'm so sorry for killing that bunny!" "It's okay, Princess. I mean, it probably would've gotten eaten by a bigger, fiercer animal anyway. You did it a favor," the Hero said as he held her close. "But who knows if it had a family, or brothers and sisters! I could've destroyed a whole bunch of lives just by killing that one bunny!" "It was only one rabbit...out of a thousand here in the forest." "But still..." her voice trailed off and she nestled her face against the fabric of his tunic, practically wiping her runny nose on it. Link didn't mind. "Don't worry, Zelda. Rabbits multiply like crazy. I'm sure our dinner will be replaced in no time." "Yeah...true. Dammit, I hate PMSing. I become a total psycho." She closed her eyes momentarily, then opened them up again. "Hey, Link?" "Yeah?" "Can you just hold me until I regain my sanity?" "Of course," He had to control the giddiness in his tone before she reached up and smacked him. Without saying another word, he held her closely with an iron grip. The Princess remained silent. He wasn't sure if she was asleep or not, but certainly didn't mind holding her like that. Soon, the sun had begun to set. Link knew he had to get her back to their campsite, but waited until the bright, pretty, orange shiny thing disappeared over the mountains to rouse her. "Hey..." he gently whispered. She produced some incoherent sound that he couldn't decipher. He decided to be a bit firmer now. "Zelda?" "Yeah?" she groggily answered. "It's getting late. We should return back to camp before a bear eats our food or something." "Can't we just stay here a little longer?" "...If you insist." He acted against his better judgement, but wanted to hold her for a little bit longer. "Hasn't this already been a crazy adventure?" "It sure has." Zelda soon began to ponder to herself once again, ...Wow, this moment is so perfect that I don't want it to end! I can't believe how safe I feel in his arms...Maybe it's time I finally gave him an ounce of gratitude. It'll make him happy... "Link?" "Yeah?" "I just wanted to thank you for rescuing my cat." ...It's not like I had a choice!... he snickered to himself. "Oh, you don't have to thank me yet, Zelda. Besides, we still have a long way to go until we reach Death Mountain. Who knows what else is waiting out there for us? Ganon is one sick son of a bitch, so I wouldn't be shocked if he attempted to taunt us some more." "I know, but still, Link... I mean, anyone else would've laughed if I told them to rescue my pretty kitty, but you just went ahead and did it. You've...always been there for me and everything...but not just because you're the Hero of Time...but...also...because...you're..." Zelda was having a hard time spewing out those heartwarming words. Acting extremely nice to Link was something she did very rarely, so it felt like acid rolling off her tongue after each praiseful phrase. But never mind the fact that she wanted to fuck him rotten...oh no, that was different. No commitment there. "You're...my friend...and...I'm so glad fate brought us together." she quickly added. Sappiness alert!!! "You don't have to say that Zelda," ...Yes, you do! Say it! Let me hear it! Dammit, say it!!!!... "No, I do. I should've said so a long time ago. I should've thanked you for putting your ass on the line countless times to save me and my kingdom, and now you're doing it for my cat." She swallowed hard while preparing to say the next few words, "Link, thank you so much. Thank you for everything. You've put up with me being the biggest bitch in the world to you, but you've remained so loyal and you've always been there...kinda....kinda like a dog." "Oh, Zelda, you know I'd go to hell and back for you. You don't have to thank me like that. It makes me feel awkward." ...No it doesn't. Play it off as if you're aloof, Link. Don't get all happy and shit your pants because she's finally opening up to you like this. But, I'm going to tell her how I really feel...at least, I'm going to try... The Princess picked her head up and stared at him. "Link, you really mean that?" She cracked a small smile while grabbing onto his shoulders. "What, that I'd go to hell and back for you? After all I've been though, I figured that my actions would've spoken louder than my words." He held onto her tighter. Goddamit, he was going to get his kiss tonight no matter what it took! "I've never had anyone speak to me like that before...at least, I've never had anyone speak to me like that before and mean it." "Well, you know I mean it." "So you'd really go to hell and back for me?" "More than that," He paused, gathering all the courage in his body to muster the strength to say something he wanted to say to her over the past several years. "Zelda, I'd never let anything bad ever happen to you. I'd rather sacrifice myself before seeing any harm inflicted on you. Zelda...I'd die for you." ...Oh my God, I just said it. Well, it wasn't the 'I love you' I've been meaning to tell her, but this'll have to do for now until I can get the balls to tell her more. Besides, this chapter is getting way too sappy... She was at a loss for words after Link's confession, and it wasn't because of her natural blonde hair either, ...Jesus Christ, Zelda, open your mouth and say something! Tell him how you feel! Don't let him spill his guts out like this and remain sitting here, silent, staring at him like a moron with your eyes bugging out like a fish! Say it!... "Link?" "Yes, Zelda?" ...Did his voice just get deeper? Oh, my!... "Link, I..." "What?" He was excited to hear what she was going to say. Was this his big break? Was all his suffering over and had all the endless nights of wet dreams and masturbation finally come to an end? Unfortunately, he didn't notice a family of about fifteen rabbits gather up next to where the couple was sitting. They were evil rabbits. Vengeful rabbits. They could smell the blood of their dead comrade on Link's tunic. It was payback time. "Link, I...I...lo--llll..." Zelda had no idea if she was even making sense. Saying that magic word made her panic, and she was slurring her "L"s. Link stared at her, puzzled. "What I meant to say was...I...lll....lo--like your hat." ...Shit! That's not what I wanted to say!... "Err....thank you." ...Alright, she didn't proclaim her undying love, but she's gradually opening up. Let's try for a kiss... "You're welcome," she stupidly replied. He smiled, then slowly began to move his head towards hers. Luckily for him, she didn't turn away and started to move hers closer to his. Zelda felt his arms pull her closer as her fingers dug into his shoulders. The moment was so cute and all, with the moon rising and the mosquitos buzzing and crap, that it would've been a sin if something happened. I like being sinful. Link and Zelda's faces weren't too far apart, and Link was aching for a kiss. Finally, he felt something furry brush up against his lips. He wasn't sure if it was the way a kiss was supposed to feel, but didn't care. ...Man, her lips are furry. That's really odd...But I'm kissing her!! Great Din, I'm kissing her!!... Meanwhile, Zelda was thinking the same exact thing, ...What the hell? Are his lips supposed to feel like this? I feel like I'm making out with my pillow--not that I've ever done that. This isn't right...What's moving around in my mouth? Is that his tongue? Ugh! His tongue's furry too?! What a freak!... She shot open her eyes to push him away and got the scare of her life. Right in front of her eyes was a giant white furry creature. Immediately she noticed that this mysterious visitor was in fact a bunny rabbit, and in her mouth was not Link's tongue, but its cute widdle cotton tail. Disgusted, she spat it out and backed away. The poor Hero still had no idea that he had a rabbit stuck onto his face, spread-eagle, as he produced cooing sounds while "kissing" what he thought was Zelda. "Link!" she screamed. He kept his eyes closed and continued to nuzzle the rabbit. "Goddammit, you fool, open your eyes!!" She then noticed the army of bunnies that had surrounded them and shrieked, "Oh my God, we're being ambushed!" ...How is she talking if I'm kissing her? Wait a minute! What the fuck?!... Link opened his eyes to stare face-to-face with a rather perturbed rabbit. Instead of Zelda's tongue being in his mouth, there was a piece of rabbit belly there, and believe me, the rabbit wasn't exactly happy to be fondled such a way. Angrily, he spat it out and stood up. "What the hell is this?!" he yelled, trying to tear the animal away from his face. It wouldn't budge. "What happened?!" "He must've jumped between us as we were about to-" You can say that she regained her senses at that point. "Link, we're surrounded! Help!" "Help?! I can't get this goddam rabbit off my face! I think he's going to tear out my eyes! My eyes! My eyes!" Finally, he managed to pry the insane creature off his face and with all his strength, slammed it onto the ground as a football player would've done to a ball at the goalpost. It made a "splat" sound on impact. He breathed a sigh of relief, but didn't have much time to engage in a victory dance because the remaining fourteen bunnies instantly jumped on him, causing the Hero of Time to fall onto his back. They attacked. They attacked viciously. "Oh my God!" Zelda screamed as she witnessed the scene. "Help me!" he wailed, attempting to throw the bunnies off of him. "Hold on!" She tried to pull a bunny off his chest, but the damn thing just stuck into his tunic with its claws. "You little bastard!" "I'm getting mauled by forest creatures! Goddam crazy-ass bunnies!" screamed Link as one jumped back onto his face, silencing him. Zelda backed away from the brawl, and covered her mouth with her hands as she saw pieces of his tunic go flying into the air as the rabbits tore away at him. His tights weren't doing any better. "Link!" Zelda yelled. "What am I supposed to do? I knew this would happen! I knew I'd suffer the consequences for killing that bunny!" "You suffer the consequences?" he managed to scream, twisting his head wildly in a vain effort to fling one of the rabbits off his face. "I'm the one who's getting attacked here! You're not getting your face clawed off!" "Oh, Link!" a high pitched voice cried. It was Navi to the rescue! She had emerged out of her hiding place to find her beloved in a shitload of trouble. "What's going on?!" "Navi, for once I'm glad to see you! You've got to help him!" Zelda pleaded to the faerie. "Oh," she dryly said. "First he threatens my life and now he wants me to save his?" "Come on, Navi!" Link interjected. "Fine, I'll save him." She flew over the spot where Link was being ambushed and released a foul smelling powder from out of her little pouch, which caused the fierce creatures to get off the Hero and scatter back into the forest. Once they were gone, the two girls gazed down at Link. The poor bastard had his arms and legs all spread apart as he stared up at the dark sky. He was breathing heavily and his tunic and tights were all torn up, not to mention that he had bites and scratches all over his body, including his face. Zelda was just about to say something, when Link began to speak. His voice was soft at first, but gradually grew stronger and louder. "I've been attacked by Moblins. I've been attacked by those skeleton Staflos thingies. I've been attacked by Ganon. Hell, I've even been attacked by a bunch of horny, gay men, but I've never been attacked by a pack of wild bunny rabbits before!!" His eyes were glowing, and he looked like quite the crazed maniac. "Umm...Link?" Zelda questioned, afraid of his response. "Yes??" he quickly answered, turning his head to look up at her. "Let me help you up," "Why? You were no help before!" "Oh, shut up!" she scolded as she bent over and grabbed his hand. She attempted to pull him up with both of her hands and all of her strength, but that didn't help much. "Ow!" Link snapped. "Whatcha trying to do? Rip my arm out of the socket?!" "Fuck you! Get up yourself!" she barked, letting him go. "Is there anything else I can do for you, Mr. Herowhocan'tkillabunnybutcangethisasskickedbyone?" she mockingly asked, folding her arms. Link grinned as he got up on his elbows. "Actually Zelda, as a matter of fact, there is." "Oh?" "You can give me that kiss we were about to share before those rabbits attacked me." "Blech!" Navi added, sticking out her tiny tongue. "Oh?" Zelda played dumb, which wasn't hard. "We were about to kiss?" "Uhh...yeah." "Link, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." she smirked. Zelda watched Link's eyes bug out before walking away. ...Heh, there's no way I'm kissing him now when he probably has rabbit fur in his mouth. How gross! He needs a bath... The Hero stood up and brushed himself off. "I better get out of here before another rabbit bites my ass!" He scampered away. Meanwhile, Navi had retired back to Epona's saddle in her...well, Link's bag. "That bastard owes me now!" she growled to herself. "First he gets drunk at Ruto and pukes all over me, then he engages in some sick striptease with Zelda and leaves me out...then he gets attacked by stupid rabbits and I have to save him! That jerk probably can't wipe his own ass without my help! Hmm...that's an interesting thought." |
To move onto Chapter Six, click on the gif. of Link getting his scalp ripped out by one of the evil bunnies. He may be smiling, but that's only because it hurts too much to frown. |
Or, if you so desire, click on the image of an evil bunny to return to the Legend of Zelda intro page. Be quick, otherwise he'll claw your eyes out! |
Chapter Five: The Evil Bunnies |
