...You are insane. Bring me back to the Legend of Zelda Intro Page! |
Eager to know what happens next, dear reader? Here's Chapter 9! |
Chapter Eight: Crazy Abe & Death Mountain Link continued to prattle on as he and Zelda rode around Hyrule Field in circles. The princess had rested her head on the hero's back and shut her eyes. She had stopped paying attention to Link's rambling about ten minutes ago and wanted to get some shut-eye. The Hero of Time didn't realize that his audience had fallen asleep and proceeded to talk a mile a minute. "Gosh, Zelda. I can't wait until we get home! I'm so exhausted. I could use a long bubble bath with my rubber ducky. A nice massage wouldn't hurt either..." You're probably expecting the author to make a vulgar comment here, but it's just too easy to, so I'll leave it at that. ...Oh, I can't help myself!!! ...Hee-hee! A massage from you Zelda... Link began to daydream, making believe he was actually having a conversation with the princess. ...You could massage my back if you like, but I had something else in mind...What do I mean, Zelda? Must I explain myself?... He had to stifle in a laugh, but Zelda felt the vibrations on his back and opened her eyes. "Link, what the hell are you thinking about?" He was shocked at her question and quickly cleared his mind of any naughty thoughts. "N- Nothing, Zelda! Just imaging that we're back at the castle right now." "Oh..." She made a face, not believing him for an instant. She knew Link could be a huge pervert and had a dirty mind that could rival your average fourteen your old boy's. Picking up her head, Zelda noticed something strange in the distance. "Hey, Link?" "Yes, Princess?" "Look over there, by that tree." "What about it? Aw, I know! You want me to pull over by it so we can share that kiss a little earlier than expected!" "In your wet dreams, you fruitcake! I mean look in its branches." "...Yes, you're right." Link peered at the direction Zelda had pointed to. "Someone's dangling by their underwear!" "We have to help them!" "Yes! The Hero of Time-once again-goes off make another daring rescue!" He put on his stupid hero-sounding voice and drew his sword, raising it high into the air. "Hurry Epona! Fly, my mighty steed! Run as fast as your little hooves can carry you!" Zelda rolled her eyes. "Aw jeez, cut the drama, you asshole." Link ignored Zelda's term of endearment and trotted his horsey over to the tree. Hanging there, of all people, was Ganon. He had gotten his long, fruity purplish robe entangled in some branches and was dangling there helplessly. The Prince of Darkness caught sight of the duo approaching him and began screaming. "AW, GODDAMIT! FIRST I END UP IN SOME TREE, AND NOW I GET TO BE RESCUED BY THE GREEN ELF AND HIS BIMBO SIDEKICK!" Link and Zelda stopped in front of the tree and wordlessly stared up at their arch-nemesis. Then, as if on cue, they bursted out laughing hysterically. "STOP LAUGHING AT ME, YOU CREATURES OF INFERIOR INTELLECT!" Ganon's wails went unanswered, as the two Hylians continued to chuckle away. "...LINK, STOP LAUGHING BEFORE I..." "Before you what?" the hero managed to question between giggles. "BEFORE I...I...DO SOMETHING DRASTIC!" "Like what? Fall out of that tree and crush us?" "GRR! I SWEAR LINK, GOD WILL GET YOU FOR THIS!" Link laughed even harder at Ganon's outburst. "Haha! Trust me, Ganon, he already has! Look at me! I'm the biggest loser in all of Hyrule! I can't even get laid by the chick I've rescued multiple times over the past ten years!" Zelda glared angrily at him for that comment, but he continued to make an ass out of himself anyway. "I really am a dork! I--why the hell am I laughing? This isn't funny!" "QUIT DIGGING YOUR HOLE DEEPER, YOU TWIT! NOW, GET ME OUT OF HERE!" "Well, should we save him?" Zelda asked, peeking over Link's shoulder. "Hmm...I'm not sure yet." Link responded, turning his head to see the princess. He shrugged his shoulders, then looked up at Ganon. "How the hell did you end up in that tree anyway?" The Evil Incarnation of Darkness sighed heavily and began talking in a normal tone of voice for once. "Well, if you must know, impudent Hylian, I was trying to morph onto the set of the hit TV show 'The Golden Girls' to get Bea Arthur's autograph-I LOVE BEA ARTHUR- when I found myself in this TREE!" "I don't see any Golden Girls wandering around here. Do you, Zelda?" Link playfully began to search the Field, holding one hand above his eyes to shield them from the sun. "Nope Link, I don't!" she chimed in. "DAMN YOU, LINK! MAY MISS PIGGY DAMN YOUR WEAK, PATHETIC SOUL FOR ALL ETERNITY!!! ...Now, help me out of this tree, will ya?" "Mmmmmm....no." "NO?! BUT HOW CAN I BE AN EVIL, TYRANNICAL RULER AND SCARE THE VILLAGERS WHEN I'M STUCK IN THIS BLASTED TREE?!" "I don't know. That isn't my problem!" "LINK! HOW CAN I BE YOUR ARCH-NEMESIS IF I CAN'T DO ANYTHING DIABOLICALLY EVIL?! LINK, THINK FOR ONCE, YOU FREAKISH EXCUSE FOR MASCULINITY, YOU!" "You know, Ganon," Link said. "You really should take classes on how to politely address people. Calling them names is not going to get you any friends!" "Hey Link, let's just point, stare, and laugh at him some more!" Zelda chirped, squeezing him around the waist. For Link, her hands felt super. "Good idea!" So the two lifted up their arms, pointed, and proceeded to laugh at the villain. "Hahahahahahahahaha! Oink Oink! Hahahahaha!" "YOU DUMBASSES!" Ganon shrieked, interrupting their heckling. "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" "Nope, sorry Ganon. It's game over for you." Link urged Epona to turn around. "Come on, Zelda. Let's go!" "YOU'RE JUST GOING TO TURN AROUND AND LEAVE YOUR GOOD BUDDY HANGING ON A LIMB-LITERALLY?!" "You guessed it!" Link called as they galloped away. Ganon shook his fists with rage. Or was that fists of fury? Or streets of rage? Bah! "I'LL GET YOU SOMEDAY, LINK! YOU AND THOSE HIDEOUS, CLASHING TUNICS YOU WEAR!" His voice lowered suddenly. "Yes, you may be a loser now Link, but I'll change that. When you and your bimbo arrive at my castle and see the love nest that awaits you, you'll be a little boy no longer. You'll die a true man! I'm actually doing you a favor, Link. (Ganon was insane and talking to himself by this point) Now, HOW THE HELL DO I GET OUT OF HERE?!" Meanwhile, Link and Zelda were once again trotting off into the sunset. Well, it wasn't really into the sunset, since it was still mid-morning. I should try avoiding cliches here, people. "Did you see the look on that pig's face when you told him 'no'?" Zelda squealed, practically bopping up and down in her seat. "Yeah! That fat fuck better not mess with me anytime soon!" Link chuckled. "How the hell does he manage to teleport all over Hyrule, yet he can't get out of a tree?" "Link, you're referring to the same goon who has used the same exact plan repeatedly for ten years in efforts to kidnap me and the Triforce. Don't you think he'd learn by now?" "Jeez, I know! It's getting kind of boring, actually. He needs to spice it up a notch." "What the hell are you two nitwits laughing at?" an obnoxious voice butted in. Navi zipped out of her hiding place in Link's pouch and flew around the couple's heads. "Did I hear Ganon before?" "Oh, hi Flying Infection." the princess frowned. ...Dammit! Link and I were having so much fun too, and this bitch had to come and ruin it! Where's a fly swatter when you need it?... "That was indeed Ganon before, Navi." Link answered. "You missed it. The jerk was stuck in a tree and couldn't get out!" "And you didn't tell me?" the faerie snapped. "Link, I would've so wanted to see that!" "You shouldn't have been snoozin' then." Zelda commented, hugging Link around the waist for a second time. The Hero of Time beamed brightly when he felt the princess' touch. ...Keep squeezing me like that, Zelda. Just do me a favor and lower your hands a bit...like...between my thighs low...oh yeah Zelda, who's your daddy?... "What in Din's name are you grinning at, you sick, twisted little elf?!" Navi had gotten upset that she missed the festivities from earlier and decided to take it out on Link. "Mind your own business, Navi." he shot back. "Ohh! You get me so angry, Link! I don't know whether to kiss you or cast a spell on you that makes you vomit uncontrollably like the guy from Crank Yankers!" "Can't you can it for a bit, Navi?" Zelda chirped. "Link's tired and doesn't need you screeching like a miniature banshee in his ear. What he needs is some tender, loving care." ...Oh, I'm feeling like a bad girl! I just want to squeeze his nuts! I can't do that though, but I can get awfully close... Zelda, allowing her wild side to take over, let one of her hands slip from Link's waist and rested it on his right inner thigh. Link literally squealed like a schoolgirl when he felt Zelda's hand and arched his back in pleasure. "Tee-hee, Zelda! What did I do to deserve this?" He sheepishly giggled. "You're just being your lovable, bumbling self." "Ack!" Navi hissed when she saw the pair's risque interaction. "Link, you should be asking yourself what you did to deserve THIS!" Out from her tiny, faerie-sized hand, she sent a thunder-shock (whatever that was) right at Link. It hit his shoulder, sending him flying off Epona and onto the hard ground. Upon seeing the fallen hero, both ladies started guffawing wildly. "Ouch!" Link cried. "That really hurt! I-I think I broke something! Why are you two laughing at me?!" No response from the girls as they continued cracking up at his misfortune. "Stop it! I think I broke my butt bone again! It feels like my ass has gone numb!" "Hehe!" Navi squeaked. "That's what you get for fucking around, you horny beast!" "F-Fucking around? It was Zelda's fault!" "Don't blame me, hero!" the princess spoke while trying to hold back more laughter. "Navi, once I regain my strength, I'm going to step on you!" Link roared, attempting to sit up. He winced in pain. "Goddamit! My ass really hurts!" "That's what you get for having a white boy, boney ass, Link." the faerie snickered, flying above his head. "Hahaha--fuck you both! Help me up!" "You're such a bitch when you're angry!" "He's worse than me!" Zelda interjected. She dismounted Epona and stood over the Hero of Time. "C'mon, let's get you up." "Please!" he growled, offering up his hand for her to take. She did and yanked him up with all her might. As soon as he got to his feet, he immediately buckled under the pressure of his own weight. "Damn, you're really hurt, huh?" the princess asked, supporting him. "YES! Thanks for finally noticing, Zelda!" "Navi! What did you do?" Zelda's tone suddenly became filled with anger. "I just zapped him! Nothing he can't handle-" "Navi, you broke my ass!" "It's impossible to break your actual ass, Link. You probably damaged your tail bone, formally known as your sacrum-" "Screw the anatomy lesson, Navi!" Zelda barked. "Help me get him back on the horse!" Somehow, by means even unknown by the author, the girls managed to successfully place Link back onto his horse. Zelda mounted the horse in front of him and took over the reigns. She really wasn't an experienced rider, but figured Link would enjoy the cheap feels he got by holding on to her. Navi sat on Epona's head and directed the princess. "Ouch...I can't sit. I feel like I've got hemorrhoids or something..." Link whined. "Zelda, are you okay with steering?" "Yeah sure." she quickly answered. "What the hell can Epona do that'll go wrong?" "Umm...rear up and throw me off?" "Or even worse--she could start galloping!" Navi clapped her hands together. "And that would hurt Link's butt even more!" "You know, remind me to never take you two on another one of my journeys ever again. If I had gone it alone, I would've been back with your cat already." "I didn't want to come along anyway! My daddy made me come!" Zelda yelled. "You're the one who keeps stalling!" "No, I'm not!" "Yes, you are!" "Am not!" "Are too!" "Shut up!" Navi shrieked. "Let's just go already! Jesus Christ, by the time we get Miss Snuffles back, she'll need to be put down because she's so old!" "I wish someone would put you down!" Link hissed back. "Drop dead, Broken Ass Man!" "Quiet!!!" the Hylian princess snapped, as if she were addressing children. "You're giving me a headache." Both Link and Navi stuck their noses up into the air and shut the hell up. For a few moments, not a word was exchanged between the three. Zelda continued to lead Epona into some unknown direction, completely unsure of where she was going. Navi sat cross-legged on Epona's head, ignoring the elves. Link, after some thinking and wriggling of his fingers, finally spoke. "Zelda?" "What?" "I can't ride on Epona for much longer. I need to rest a bit." "Fine..." she sighed. "I told you you're the one who stalls." "Dammit Zelda, please?" "Where would you want to go?" "Kakariko Village isn't too far from here." Navi said. Link nodded his head. "Sounds good to me. We'll only stay for a little bit." "...Are we even going in the right direction?" Zelda questioned. "Yup. Just keep her steady, Zelda." "Sure, Link." The ride to Kakariko was pretty short, and for the rest of the way, the threesome remained silent, lost in their own thoughts. ...Hmm... Navi pondered in her faerie-sized brain. ...Perhaps I shouldn't have done that to Link. Aw, it was really funny though! That'll teach him not to enjoy getting felt up by that silly princess. What the hell am I saying? She could drop a safe on his head and he'd like it. Come to think of it, I probably should've hurt him more and broken something else!! I am seething with rage! I am jealous! ...I am hungry!... While Navi mulled over her appetite, Zelda was staring vacantly into the landscape as the gears in her head squeaked and screeched away. ...Poor Link. He's been getting his ass kicked often during the journey. He takes it like such a man though, and that makes him so dreamy! Except for the time he whined like a baby...which was just before. Maybe he really doesn't take things like a man after all. Hehe! He's not even a man yet! ...What is that pressing against my butt?... She blinked, realizing what it was. ...Oh my... Link, who also was thinking to himself, smiled wickedly as he squeezed Zelda's waist. ...Heh heh...smooooooooth.... It didn't take much longer for them to reach the bustling little village known as Kakariko. Zelda did her best to guide Epona through the maze of children chasing Cuccos, queer moving carpenters, and merchants selling bootleg Louis Vuitton bags. "Let's head over to the inn over there," Link directed. "We can get something quick to eat, and I'll attempt to sit down and feel better." "If you say so, hero." the princess led the horse over to some stables. "You tie her up, Link." "Yeah....sure..." He slowly slid off Epona and grimaced when he felt pain shoot up his back. After tying his horse up to a post, he held out his hand for Zelda to take. "Aw, thanks." She smiled, allowing him to help her dismount his pony. "Even when you're in agonizing pain, you always manage to think of others, Link." "'Tis my curse, Zelda. Shall we?" He offered her his arm. "Yes, of course." she grinned, linking arms with Link. Haha...linking arms with Link...ahem, sorry, I couldn't resist the pun, as bad as it was. Anyway... Navi rolled her eyes and decided to keep her trap shut for the time being. Link was extremely pissed at her already and would probably try to kill her at the slightest quip she made. Arm and arm, the Hero of Time and Princess of Destiny walked into the inn. They located its restaurant and bar and waited to be seated. It took a few minutes before a Hylian female, popping a wad of gum in her mouth, addressed the couple. "How many?" "Two-err, three." Link corrected himself. He often didn't count the faerie as a person. She was more like a parasite. "Table or booth?" "Booth!" he cried, not even realized how loud his voice had gotten. "...I need cushions." "I see. Follow me, then." The hostess led the trio to a circular booth located towards the back of the restaurant. "A waitress will be with you shortly." She left menus on the table and walked off. Link carefully sat down and slid into the booth, giving some room so Zelda could sit next to him. He stretched out his arms and legs. "Ah, this feels better on my behind. Much nicer than Epona's saddle." "Good. I'm glad." Zelda responded, forcing a smile. She flipped through her menu and instantly made a selection. "I want cheese fries and a bacon-cheeseburger, complete with a side order of onion rings." "Shit!" Link chuckled. "You sure can eat a lot for such a skinny girl. Where do you put it all?" "Between her ears..." Navi muttered. "It sounds really good, Zelda. Maybe I'll get the same thing. What about you, Navi?" "Hmm..." the faerie replied. "I'm not sure yet. I'm really fricking hungry though." Just then, their waitress appeared. "Hi there, may I take your order?" "Yes, you may!" Link began in his hero-voice. "I would like a bacon-cheeseburger with cheese fries and a side of onion rings. The lady would like the same." "And for the faerie?" "Er, what do you want, Navi?" "I can order for myself, you pompous ass!" she growled. Politely, she looked up and spoke to the waitress. "I would like an order of barbeque ribs, french fries, a cream of turkey soup, and an unsweetened iced tea." "Jesus Christ!" Link exclaimed after hearing Navi's order. "Where the hell do you put it all?!" "A girl has her secrets..." she smiled. "And what do you two want to drink?" the waitress questioned. At first, Link wanted to order a beer, but then quickly remembered what had happened the last time he and Zelda consumed alcohol. He ended up wasted and she wanted to bang him. That latter consequence wasn't bad, but he opted to play it safe. "Two cherry Cokes, please." "'Aight, your order will be ready soon." She took the menus and disappeared into the kitchen. "Isn't this nice, Zelda?" Link snaked one arm around the princess and pulled her close. "...What are you doing?" "What does it look like I'm doing?" "Link, we're in public... I don't want anyone I know seeing us like this." "So? Zelda, honestly, who's going to see?" Little did they know that the Crackerjack Box of Doom was keeping a close eye on them. Ganon had it resting on his dining room table as he watched. Miss Snuffles napped comfortably on his lap. "THOSE TWO NUMBSKULLS HAVE TO BE THE MOST INCOMPETENT, PITIFUL CREATURES IN HYRULE! I SWEAR, I SHOULD BASH THEIR HEADS TOGETHER LIKE COCONUTS AND SEE IF ANY BRAIN TISSUE FALLS OUT! LINK- THAT IGNORAMUS-IS STALLING! I WANT HIM TO GET TO MY CASTLE NOW! I BETTER SPEED THINGS UP." Picking up the cat, he smiled. "MISS SNUFFLES, GET READY TO VOGUE!" Back at Kakariko, the food orders had arrived, and the three sat and munched away. Link and Navi happily indulged in their orders, but Zelda only picked up a few french fries to nibble on. She looked over at Link, who had half of a burger hanging out of his mouth and blushed. ...He looks so cute! He reminds me of the little fat kid everyone had in their kindergarten class...the one who ate so much he puked all the time. But no matter what, he was cute!... "Hey Link?" He answered back by producing noises as he chewed. "How about we share that kiss a little earlier than expected?" At her words, he swallowed hard and excitedly gazed over at her. "Y-You mean that?" "Yeah, I do." "Oh goody!" He puckered up. "No, wipe your mouth first. You've got ketchup on the side of your mouth." "Sure!" He grabbed his napkin and cleaned up. Giggling, he stared at her, awaiting her next command. "We're gonna have ourselves a real kiss," Zelda rested her hand on his shoulder. "Just like this..." "Woah." Link said, a la Keanu Reeves. "Yeah, so you have to open up your mouth just a little." "Like this?" "Yes, exactly." She moved in to give him a nice kiss, when Link abruptly pulled her into his arms. "Sorry," he laughed. "It's just that all my life I've waited for this moment and it's got to be perfect." Luckily Navi was buried in a pile of ribs and had absolutely no idea what was going on. If she did, she might've lost her lunch on the spot. "It's okay, Link." Zelda's voice was now soothing. "I understand. I know exactly what you mean." They moved in closer and were just about to make out when something hitting the table interrupted them. "Ignore it," Link muttered, still going in to kiss her. "Ah-hem!" someone chirped. "What the?" Zelda looked up to see their waitress standing there. An envelope was placed on their table. "This just came for you two." she began. "Oh, and we have an anti-PDA policy here, so keep it in your tights, alright?" "O-Okay," Link picked up the envelope and looked at it, clueless. "Enjoy your meal." the waitress walked away. "What's that?" the princess asked. "Shit, I dunno, Zelda." "Open it!" "Sure," Link smirked when he read who the envelope was addressed to. "Mr. Lefty and the Blonde Bitch." "...It's from Ganon. What the hell does he want?" Link broke the package's seal and pulled out a stack of pictures. "What the hell??" Zelda raised an eyebrow as Link flipped through them. The first picture was of Miss Snuffles sitting in front of the Eiffel Tower. Link read the captions aloud. "This is your cat in France." The next one had the cat sprawled out across the top of the Great Wall of China. "This is your cat in China." Zelda gasped in horror as she viewed the pictures. The third had Miss Snuffles posing next to a Zulu tribe. "This is your cat in Zaire." "Link!" Zelda screamed. "We gotta save my kitty!" He flipped to the next one, which had the cat standing on the steps of a Mayan temple. "This is your cat in Mexico." "Link! Do something! My precious cat's in danger!" "Well Zelda, what would you like me to do? Call my travel agent and book the next flight to Mexico?!" "This isn't the time or the place to act sarcastic, Link!" "Well excuse me, Princess!" "We have to go to Ganon's castle right now." She took his hand and began to drag him out of the booth. "But Zelda! We're not even finished eating yet, and my ass still hurts! You promised me some rest!" "You can have your night of rest after we save Miss Snuffles." She tried to pull him out of the booth again, but he stopped her. "Now what?" "You still owe me that kiss! Don't forget!" "Oh please, Link! Like you're going to let me forget? Now come on!" "Okay okay! Geesh! The things I do for love." he muttered. "Come on, Navi! We're leaving." The faerie picked her head up from her pile of ribs. She had barbeque sauce smeared all over her face. "Already?! I'm not even finished yet!" "Let's go!" the princess barked, getting to her feet. "Hold on, let me at least get a doggie bag!" Once Navi had her lunch packed and ready to go, the three set out to continue their legendary adventure. Link had regained control of the reigns and was speeding along the countryside, trying to ignore the lingering pain emanating from his behind. "Link, how far is Death Mountain from here?" Zelda asked, peering over his shoulder. "Not very far. It's just a few miles." "Don't you think Epona's tired? I mean, she's traveled so far. Shouldn't you have gotten a new horse back in Kakariko?" "She's fine." Link calmly stated. "She's been through worse than this. She's my super- pony!" "....Right." Zelda ignored his bizarre comment. "Hey, you were supposed to get me a new horse now that I think about it!" "Later. After we get your cat back, I'll get you a new horse." "Not that I mind riding with you..." Link grinned. "Oh, sure Zelda. I understand. I'll go to Lon Lon Ranch once we get back to the castle and see if they have any good horses there." "Oh...Lon Lon?" "Yeah, it's the only ranch in all of Hyrule." "That means you have to see that freakazoid Malon, right?" He sensed the bitterness in her voice and couldn't help but giggle. "Jealous, Zelda?" "No!" she hastily replied. "It's just that she's so strange! It's like she likes horses way too much. And not to mention, she likes you way too much..." "Heh, can you blame her?" "Actually, I don't understand what she even sees in you." Zelda nonchalantly answered, knowing that she had just stuck a verbal dagger right into her hero's back. "Ouch..." He made a face. "That was mean!" "Don't understand it at all..." She yawned, resting her head down on him. ...That's right...you continue to hang all over me, Zelda, yet you scorn me. Well, we'll see who has the last laugh! Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Ah-what in God's name am I laughing at? She just dissed me! Grr, sometimes this blonde hair really gets me into a lot of hot water... Up on Death Mountain, Ganon was gazing at the couple from his Crackerjack Box of Doom, content. "BWA HA HA! THOSE FOOLS ARE ON THEIR WAY! IT IS TIME TO PREPARE THE LOVE NEST!" ...By sunset, Link and Zelda had reached the base of Death Mountain. "Ganon's castle is way up there?" question Zelda, the nervousness evident in her voice. "Yup." Link replied. "I've been here so many times. I know this place like the back of my hand." "Would that happen to be your left hand?" Navi butted in from out of nowhere. "...Shut up, roach. Anyway, we're going to have to take a series of tunnels to get to the top." Link gazed up at the mountain. "Tunnels?" the princess asked, getting tenser by the second. "Yes. Why do you sound to scared, Princess?" "Oh, n-nothing." "Afraid of all the creepy crawly creatures we might run into?" "Creepy crawly creatures?" "Yup. Spiders, rats, keese..." Come to think of it, what is the singular form of "keese"? Koose? Those crazy Japs and their nomenclature systems! "R-Really? All those nasty things are in the caves?" "Oh, tons of little disgusting things like that! But I'm here to protect you." He drew his sword and did some fancy move with it, miraculously not cutting off any appendages in the process. "Uh-huh, well, if you fight as well as you show off, then I have nothing to fear." Zelda said in a half-mocking sort of tone. "Hey, who's saved your kingdom and yourself numerous times?" She answered with a simple smile. "Oh, Princess, you turn me on! But none of that hankey panky now! There's a certain feline that needs my help!" He put the Master Sword back in its holster thingie and walked into the cave's entrance. "Yes, Link!" Zelda wailed. "I love my little pussy!" At that comment, Link turned around and grinned widely. "I love your little pussy too!" "Link! That's not what I meant, you sick freak!" "Aw, come on Zelda! You set yourself up for that one!" Readers, you KNEW I'd eventually throw in a pussy joke somewhere when talking about Zelda's cat. It's just. That. Easy. She nervously bit her lower lip. "Well, you know I didn't mean it like that." "Of course not. Just sending mixed signals, like you always do...but forget I even said that before! Now, let's go and save Miss Snuffles." He proceeded to venture deeper into the cave. Zelda quickly ran behind him before she got lost. Link began to hum a song to lighten up the mood. "Dum de dum de dum... Nine little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and broke its head--" "Link, do you know where we're going?" "Sure I do! Soon we should meet up with Crazy Abe." "Crazy Abe?" "Yeah, the old blind guy that guides me through the mountain." "A blind guy shows you around?" "He lives in these tunnels. He's a great guy!" "Why do you call him 'crazy' then?" "'Cuz he's a nut! He always cracks me up. He's a real riot!" "Umm...can't wait to meet him." They walked on a bit longer, and there was still no sign of Crazy Abe. "I wonder where he can be?" Link wondered out loud. Before Zelda could say anything, she felt something scurry past her feet. Frightened, she yelped and grabbed Link for safety. "Aw, Princess, it's okay. I'm here to protect you." he sweetly said. "Link, let's just get the hell out of here! It's cold, damp, and very scary!" "We'll be out of here very soon--" "Link!" a voice called out from the darkest part of the cave. "Is that you?" "Crazy Abe! Yeah, it's me!" An old man appeared from out of a dark corner and approached the two. "Hello, Link! Back so soon?" he greeted. "Yeah, Ganon's still up to no good. I have to rescue Princess Zelda's cat." "Oh, the princess? Have you stuck it into her yet, Link?" Abe laughed, attempting to brush elbows with the hero. Instead, he rubbed his arm against God knew what. "Err...she's right here with me." Link stammered. Zelda totally blew off Abe's question. By now, she was used to people making comments like that about her and Link. Everyone in Hyrule wanted them to just get married. Everyone except Malon, Ruto (pre-toilet bowl incident), Saria, and not to mention, herself. ...She knew that was a lie though. It was a dirty, rotten lie. She wanted to drag him down the aisle in a Martha Stewart-type wedding, complete with a five-tiered chocolate cake and DJ playing awful early 1990's dance music. "Hello, Princess!" Abe tried to reach out and shake her hand, but instead slammed into the nearest cavern wall. Both Link and Zelda did their best to hide their laughter. "So you're the lovely lady who's captured the young Link's heart? ...And not to mention something else. Heh heh." Link turned red. Then again, it was difficult to see in the caves, so no one noticed. Abe was blind anyway, so he didn't give a flying fuck. And Zelda...well...Zelda was Zelda. She answered Abe's inquiry. "Yes, I guess that's me." "You should hear how he speaks of you!" "Really? It seems that almost everyone we've met on this journey has said that to me." "Well, you know how people in love act. They can't stop chattering about the one they adore." Abe smiled. Link grew tense and sucked in a breath. He was praying to God that Zelda wouldn't reach over and punch him, but she didn't. She actually blushed. And her heart grew three sizes that day. "Okay, come along now!" Abe announced. "I shall be your guide." He went to grab Zelda's hand when he "accidentally" grabbed her breast instead. She let out a bloodcurdling scream. Link couldn't believe what he just saw. "Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean that! A thousand apologies, your Highness!" Abe exclaimed. He began walking away. "I don't like that man!" Zelda angrily hissed at Link. "I envy him..." the hero sighed. Zelda frowned and pouted her lips. "Princess, just ignore him. ...Hold on a sec." Link zipped over to Abe, who had already started walking ahead of them. The old man pulled Link aside and snickered. "You were right when you said she had a great rack!" "Abe, that wasn't funny." "What's the matter, Link? Jealous because I got further with her in the last two minutes than you have in the last ten years?" "Okay, I'm really sick of people constantly reminding me of what a loser I am. It's bad enough that I haven't even kissed her yet." Meanwhile, Zelda was trailing behind the two, scared shitless. The caves were very dark, and their only light was from Abe's lantern. "Link, when are you going to lay down the smack on that bitch?" Abe questioned, unaware that Zelda wasn't too far behind them. "Just be like, 'I've saved your pretty ass more times than I can count, so you owe me. Spread 'em, now!'" "I tried that already." "And what happened?" "She slapped me silly." "Oh, well then you have to seduce her. Show her what she's missing." "I've tried that too." "And?" "She resisted by seducing me back, and then a tree branch fell on my head." "Dammit, boy! What kind of a dumbass are you?!" Link looked down in shame. He felt as if every single ounce of masculinity he had (all two teaspoons of it) had been drained. Abe's words were like a proverbial kick to the balls. It was at that time Zelda finally caught up to them. "Link, how much longer?" she whined, grabbing his arm. "Not much..." his reply was sullen, but the princess didn't notice. Then again, she wouldn't notice a Mack truck coming at her. She'd be a deer in headlights, baby. So after a few more minutes of winding tunnels and dead silence, they reached the exit. "Thanks, Abe." Link forced a smile and walked out. "No problem. Just doing my job!" As Zelda followed Link, Abe quickly smacked her on the butt. She jumped and was just about to scream when Link cut her off. "Come on, Zelda. It's time to save your kitty." "She's got a nice ass, Link!" Abe laughed as the duo walked away. "I hate that creep!" the princess growled, clenching her fists. "I really, really envy him now." It was nightfall when they finally reached Casa de Ganon. "Link, why do you hang out with filth like that?" Zelda snarled as they walked along the dirt path to the castle. "I don't know, Zelda." "I mean, honestly...such creeps!" "Yup." ...Thanks for twisting the knife, Zelda. Mark my words, you will be saying my name one day, begging me to pleasure you. Oh yes...say my name, Zelda, say my name... "What are you smirking at?" "I'm smirking?" "You were." "It was nothing, Zelda." ...Say my name!!!!!.... They reached the insanely large front steps to the castle and began to trek up them. "Think Ganon's trying to make up for something? Heh..." Link grinned. After climbing all twenty-five steps, they were greeted by a large oak door. Why twenty- five? I dunno. It beats the hell out of me. "Do we just knock?" Zelda sarcastically asked, crossing her arms. "Wait..." Link noticed a Post-it note stuck to the door. He yanked it off and began reading. The note read: Dear Mr. Jackmeoff and his bitch, I relocated to Gerudo Valley. Vacationing there. Come if you dare! Bwa ha ha! Love, Ganon. "WHAT THE FUCK?!" he screamed, crumbling the note. "What's wrong?" Zelda nervously asked. "Ganon's not here!" "What?!" "He's in Gerudo Valley--across Hyrule! It's nowhere near where we are now." "So we came here for nothing?" "Yup." "Aw, fuckin' A!" Not knowing what to do (as usual), she took a seat on a nearby boulder. "I don't believe this. I don't fucking believe this." Link grumbled as he sat down next to the princess. He began massaging his temples. Zelda saw how infuriated her hero was and tried to better the situation. "Link, we tried. Maybe we should return back home. You need rest-" "But then you'll flip as soon as you see Ganon with Miss Snuffles again! We might as well go rescue her now." She thought for a few seconds, then shrugged her shoulders. "Yup, you're right! Let's go!" She stood up and walked towards the cliff's edge. Navi, who happened to overhear the entire situation, popped her head out from her favorite hiding place in Link's satchel. "Psst...Link?" "What?" he muttered, his head in his hands. "Um, I think you should take a look in here. You haven't opened it in like a week." "Why, what's in there? A knife so I can tear my own heart out, just to make sure it's still beating and that it hasn't exploded yet due to stress and mini-strokes?" "...Geez, you're Mr. Saturday Night, aren't ya?" the faerie growled. "Just look in the damn bag." He frowned, opened up the bag, and almost pissed his pants. "...The ocarina." "Yup!" "Navi, why didn't you tell me it was in here?!" "You didn't ask." "Navi!! If I would've used this earlier, we could've warped everywhere! It would've saved us valuable time!" "But then you wouldn't have frolicked with Zelda in the river...wouldn't have her sweet, precious body resting against yours..." She said this in a mocking tone, pretending to wretch after each sentence. "That's true, Navi." "You wouldn't have had her hands on your inner thigh like that. It was so close to your nads. You wouldn't have had her straddle you in a drunken stupor..." As she said "straddle", she made nasty hip motions. "Cut that out, Navi." "But that's what you wanted, wasn't it? Well, tell her you have the ocarina and you'll warp to Gerudo Valley and get her rat-er, I mean cat-right now." "Then maybe she'll give me that kiss she promised." Link said to himself. "Yeah, whatever. Don't hold your breath and kill any more brain cells. You need all the ones you can get..." He stood up and called for Zelda, "Princess!" "Yes?" "Come here!" "Is that an order, hero?" she grinned, turning her head around. "I should order you to suck my--just come here, Zelda!" Once she made her way over to him, he held out the magical instrument. "Looki |