CHAPTER THREE: THE PINT-SIZED HERO OF TIME: A FLASHBACK Meanwhile, back in the smelly hotel room, Navi was chewing Link's ear off regarding Princess Zelda. He was trying to rest, but the faerie just wouldn't shut the hell up. All he wanted to do was sleep, or perhaps make sweet love to his princess...or maybe even both, but not at the same time, of course. First comes the mating, then the sleeping...hmm...actually, he could sleep first, wake up, then roll over and--eh, forget it. "Can you believe that girl?" Navi exclaimed. "She just walked out on you!" Link was lying down, with the pixie seated on his stomach. "It's okay, Navi," "No it's not! She treats you like trash and you treat her like she is some sort of goddess or some shit like that. I see something seriously wrong with this picture!" "I don't mind at all." he said, trying to close his eyes and block out the ranting Navi. "You are such a dork! Don't you realize she's only using you?" she prattled on and continued to annoy him. "Sure, you're only the Hero of Time, but she doesn't seem to acknowledge that fact, the ignorant elf!" "Zelda's not ignorant!" Link snapped. ...Aww, that's it. This little psycho has insulted my woman!... "No, but she's an elf! Tee-hee!" "Don't talk that way about the woman I love!" His voice no longer hid his angry feelings towards the three inch tall infection seated on his tummy. "You better step, Navi!" "Well gee, I'm so sorry to have offended you. You must be still drunk to say you love her..." "Navi! Get out of here!" "Why? You need me for company," "I need you for company like I need a hemorrhoid for my ass! You're only making matters worse and are slowly and painfully pushing me closer and closer to suicide! The way you speak of me makes me sound like I'm really more pathetic than I think I am." Link grumbled those last few words and rested his hand over his eyes. Navi frowned. She flew up to his nose and placed a kiss on it. "What was that for?" he asked, puzzled. "Oh, nothing. I just felt like it." Link decided he had dealt with enough balderdash for that evening. Angrily, he whacked her away with his hand, sending her flying halfway across the room. She landed on the stone ground with a small thud. "What was that for?!" she yelled, getting to her feet. "Oh, nothing. Just felt like it." smirked Link as he turned to his side. "Oohh! Sometimes you just make me piping mad, Link!" "There's not enough alcohol in all of Hyrule to deal with you, Navi. Go away before I barf on you again." "Hmp!" Navi squeaked. "I know where I'm not wanted, I'll just leave you to your demented fantasies, you dork!" With that, she flew off in search of the nearest Victoria's Secret. Link ignored the faerie's ranting and closed his eyes. "If I can't kiss Zelda in reality, I'll just have to do it in Dreamland..." It didn't take long for him to doze off. About ten minutes later, Zelda returned to the room to find the sleeping Link. She tip-toed as quietly as she could around the bed and took a seat on the footstool in the corner. The moon was visible through the tiny window, drawing her attention to it. She just sat there and day- dreamed, or rather night-dreamed...but she wasn't actually asleep--oh, there I go again, getting way too technical for this already childish plot. Spank me, please. "Tee-hee, there you are, Zelda," Link began to giggle in his sleep like a schoolgirl. The Princess figured that she had woken him up, but kept her gaze focused on the moon. She liked big shiny things. "Yes, I'm right here," she dreamily replied. "What Zelda? Tee-hee...do that to you again? All right..." "Do what?" ...What the hell is his problem? Is he still blitzed?... "Tee-hee..." he continued to chuckle to himself in his sleep, unaware that the victim of his dreams was in fact sitting five feet away from him. "Link, you're still not sober? Jesus Christ, how much of that cheap stuff did you drink?" "...You like that? So do I..." "Uhh, has the alcohol temporarily fried your brain cells?" Zelda inquired, not sure what to make of the situation. All the Hero did was turn onto his back and giggle some more. She decided to ignore it. "Link, what time are we leaving tomorrow?" "Tee-hee!" "What's so funny, you goon?" "Yes, right there...oh...nice Zelda..." "Huh?" She turned around and saw that Link was still asleep. "That bastard's dreaming sick stuff about me!" It was obvious that she didn't like him dreaming about her in such naughty ways. She would have rather preferred him actually performing the sinful acts on her instead. "Zelda," Link blissfully continued. "Would you like to see the real 'Master Sword'?" "That's it!" Zelda darted over to the bed, grabbed a spare pillow, and began to beat him senseless with it. "Wake up, you pervert!" He woke up screaming, "AAAHHH!! Ganon, how many times have I told you not to do that-oh, hi Zelda." he nervously stammered. "Link!!" "Woah, you were screaming my name in my dream too, but not quite in this circumstance." "You idiot! How dare you think impure thoughts about me!" "I'm sorry! I wasn't dreaming of you like that!" he lied. Dammit, even he knew how badly his fib sounded. "Oh yeah?" she snarled, also knowing how badly his fib sounded. "Yeah." Link simply stated. "Then what were you dreaming of?" Zelda angrily scowled at him. "Err," Link stuttered. "We were picking berries-" "And?" "And what?" "Don't play dumb with me!" "Okay fine, we picked berries and...and...sang gospel songs." "Link!" she hissed. "Okay, not gospel songs. Show tunes." "Stop it!" Link cracked a smile. "Zelda, you're so pretty when you're angry. Kiss me!" He got up onto his knees on top of the bed and puckered up. The Princess simply grinned, and pushed his face away with her hand. "Well excuse me, Princess!" he smiled, sitting up. Zelda didn't even bother to answer and took a seat back on the footstool. "Honest, Princess! Show tunes!" "Sure, Link." "Really!" "Uh-huh," Link just kept the silly grin on his face. "Fine Zelda, let's just go to sleep." "Yes, I agree." she got to her feet and crossed her arms. "Get up." "Get up? But this is my bed!" Link protested. "Yes, but since I'm staying in her with you, it's only fair that I get the bed. I'm the lady." "Oh, so that means since I'm a guy, I get the floor?" "Yes, you're so smart!" Zelda quipped. She moved back over to the bed. "I'm sorry Zelda, but this is my room and my bed! If you like, you can sleep next to me." Link suggested. He knew damn well that she'd reject his offer, even he wasn't that oblivious. He decided to give it a shot anyway. He was a man with needs. "Ha! Get real, Link!" the Princess laughed. "But you already fell asleep on me before, or did that slip your mind?" smirked Link. ...Yeah Link, you got her on that one! You go, boy!...he thought victoriously. Zelda couldn't think of anything to say at first, and just made a nervous face. "Well...err...you sleep on the floor!!" "Well excuse me, Princess!" After much squabbling about who slept where, the two finally got ready for nappy time. Link found a place on the floor next to the bed, where Zelda was resting her royal head. She had previously changed into one of her long, silky pink nightgowns, which always succeeded at turning Link the fuck on. He stared up at her with stars in his eyes. "Goodnight, Link," she said as she leaned over and blew out the last candle. "Goodnight, Zelda," Almost immediately he could hear her moving around, trying to get comfortable. Eventually she ended up on her side, looking down at him. They exchanged a smile in the moonlit room, just barely able to make out each other's faces. "Hi, Zelda." Link chirped. "Hi, Link." "Hey Princess, remember the first time we ever met? Just being here in this room made me think back about that day for some reason. We've been though a lot since then." "Of course Link, how could I forget?" *****FLASHBACK! TEN YEARS AGO***** It was a fine sunny morning in the wonderful land of Hyrule one May day. Impa, the royal family's maid, was taking a stroll in the forest for no apparent reason at all. "Ah," she exclaimed. "What a lovely day! The birds are singing, the sun's shining, the flowers are blooming, the Moblins are attacking-" She paused at her last words and did a double take. "The Moblins are attacking? AAAHHHH!!" A group of Moblins had made their way off a beaten trail deep within the forest and began to charge towards Impa. Moblins were things that looked like half dogs, half God knew what. They were originally created by Ganon to do housework, like laundry, but they were also good for his dirty work as well. "Oh no! Help! Help!" the old maid cried as she was surrounded by the hybrid creatures. "Hey, relax lady!" the one who seemed to be their leader began. "We just want to ask you something--" "Oh! Won't someone help an old, frail woman? Oh!" she wailed while waving her arms around like she was having an epileptic fit. "Lady! Calm down! We just want to know where the nearest magic shop is!" "AAAHHH! Someone, help!" "Goddam, just shut up, will ya? Fine, we'll find someone else to ask!" All of a sudden, just as the Moblins were about to leave, a kid fell down from a nearby tree, knocking the Moblin leader unconscious. "What the-?" the others all asked amongst themselves, surprised. At the sight of her savior, Impa's eyes widened. "It is him! The boy from my dream, the one who will fulfill the prophecy!" The boy stood up and looked around, as if he couldn't remember where he was, yet he seemed unfazed by the fall. "Who are you?" Impa asked him. He stared right at her, and in his most stern, pre-pubescent voice shouted, "I am Link! Remember it, because you'll be screaming it later!" The Moblins began to laugh hysterically at his words. The old nursemaid was shocked, but continued to interrogate the boy. "Link? Is that your name?" "Yeah lady, are ya deaf?" Link barked. He then turned his attention to the laughing infidels who were still pointing at him. "And what are your ugly asses laughing at? The only thing I see funny around here is you!" "Oh, you sure do have a lot of spunk!" Impa happily spouted, clapping her hands together with glee. "Yeah, I've got more than spunk," he smirked. The Moblins now began to back away from the boy. "That's right! You best be running! Tell your leader I'll kick his butt later!" he called as the bevy of underlings started to run away. "We must report him to Ganon!" one called to another as they ran. "He may cause trouble later!" Impa turned to Link. "Young man, were did you come from?" "I came from the planet Uranus." A long silence. "Do you have any parents?" "They died." "Any relatives?" "They died too." "Oh, that's horrible! How?" "A freak accident involving a pile of hay and a pyromaniac." "Umm, okay then. Do you have a home?" Link turned around and pointed to the tree he had fallen out of. "You're lookin' at it." "How long have you been on your own?" "What is this, Jeopardy?! Sheesh!" the boy cried, but he continued anyway. "About a year, ever since I escaped from that freaky Kokiri Forest..." At the mention of the forest's name he shuddered. "How would you like to live with me?" she hopefully asked. Link made a face of disgust at her suggestion. "And do what? Give you sponge baths and massage your crusty old feet? I don't think so!" He began to walk away when Impa desperately called out to him. "I live in Hyrule Castle!" He turned around faster than he had appeared. "Hello? Hyrule Castle?!" "Yes, young man. I am Impa, royal servant to the Princess Zelda. I can get you a room there for as long as you like." "Hmm..." Link began to ponder the possibilities. "Live in the castle, or a tree. Castle. Tree. Castle. Tree. Such a hard choice." "So you'll come?" "Does a donkey have an ass? Sure I'll come!" Impa ignored his comment and smiled, "Great! Come, Link, I'm sure the Princess would love to meet you." She held out her hand. "Princess, huh? How old is she?" Link questioned as he took her hand. "She's your age." "Really?" he slyly smiled. "Yes, you can be playmates!" "Tee-hee, playmates. Sweet." Impa led them both out of the forest and guided the young Link up the dirt path to Hyrule Castle Town. It was a busy day there. People were scurrying about to and fro, merchants were busy selling baked goods and illegal drugs. Children were beating a poor dog with sharp sticks. Yes, it was a splendid day! Link was very occupied, trying to look at everything all at once. Impa noticed and grinned. "Like what you see?" "Yeah! This place is so much nicer than my old home." "Where was that again?" "I told you! Uranus!" "Oh, sure..." She decided to leave that alone. It didn't take long for them to reach the gates to Hyrule Castle. "There," she explained as she walked over to a guard. "This is it." Link was in awe and simply stared up at the castle's towers and other nifty stuff. "Excuse me," Impa said to the guard. "Yes, Impa?" he politely answered. "May I have permission to talk to the King? I want to introduce him to my little buddy here." she nodded her head in Link's direction. The guard looked down in horror at the street rat. Link was wearing a ragged old brown tunic, complete with unidentifiable stains and tears. His hair was dirty and all askew. He didn't have a pleasant scent radiating from him either. And to top it all off, he had his finger rammed halfway up one nostril. "Yeah, I wanna see the Princess!" he chimed in. "Err...I don't think she'd want to see you." the guard grimly said. "Why not? I'm cute." "Please, sir! Let us at least see his Majesty." Impa butted in. "Well..." the guard took one last look at the grotesque child picking his nose and shuddered. "All right," he sighed as he moved away to let them pass. "Thank you!" the old mail smiled. She tugged on Link's arm and began to lead him through the gate. "Yeah, spank you." the boy muttered. Impa dragged him through the royal hall, where the King sat on his throne, reading the Hyrule Enquirer. "Your Highness!" she politely called. "Yes?" he answered, not even bothering to look up. "I have someone to show you." said Impa as she quickly slapped Link's finger out of his nose. "Who?" "Well remember about that dream I told you about?" "Uh-huh," "And about the young man who would fulfill the ancient prophecy?" "Yup," "Well, I found him!" The King instantly looked up...and burst out into a wild guffaw, "Ha! Ha! That smelly little street rat?" "Hey!" Link angrily snapped. "No, no your Majesty! It's really him! He saved me from a gang of Moblins." Impa explained to the not-too-bright monarch. "Oh, really? And how did he do that? Lift up his arms and kill them with his body odor?" the King cried out, trying to stifle in more laughs. "No, he fell out of a tree." she simply declared. "Fell out of a tree?" the King couldn't hold in his chuckles any longer "Ha! That's even better!" "Look, I didn't come here to be mocked by some fat fuck of a king who likes to read trashy tabloids! I'm out!" Link growled, turning to leave. Before Impa could grab his arm, a soft voice broke through the air. "Daddy! Daddy!" A young girl had come up from the room behind the Royal Hall and stood next to her father's throne. Link turned around and thought he had seen the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes on his entire life. He was captivated by her long, blonde hair, her shining blue eyes, her slender figure. He was standing, fixed in his spot, unable to move. Thus, was the beginning of the end for our dear Hero. The Princess spotted him and cried out, "Father! It is him!" "Yes, see even the Princess knows!" Impa joined in. "Him who, Zelda?" the King gently asked his daughter. "It is he who will save Hyrule!" I saw it in my dream!" Zelda and Impa shared the same dreams because they were special or something. Link was utterly clueless, as usual. "You really think so, sweetheart?" questioned the King as he gazed over the foul smelling boy. "Yes!" "See, it's true," Impa said, supporting Zelda. "Well, I guess the little toad must be important," the monarch muttered. "Yes, he is!" the old maid continued. "He has nowhere to stay. May he live here?" she impatiently asked. As the two adults were fighting, Link once again found his stare still locked onto the pretty, pretty princess. She noticed and immediately became uncomfortable. He then smiled at her and waved, but it wasn't a pleasant smile. It was dirty. Very, very dirty. She slowly sank behind her father's throne and out of Link's view. "I don't know," the King shook his head. "Please?" Impa begged. "Yeah, I'll be good!" the future hero suddenly chimed in. "...Okay, he can stay for a while." "Yay!" Link smiled. ...Mmmm....That princess sure looks magically delicious... *****PRESENT TIME!!***** "And that 'while' went on for ten years," Zelda grinned, looking down at Link. He just happily returned the gesture. "I'm sure glad I fell out of the tree that day!" Zelda giggled a bit, then unexpectedly let out a yawn. "Link, I'm going to sleep." "All right, Princess," he tiredly answered. "'Night." "'Night, Zelda." Fifteen minutes passed. The Princess was still wide awake, staring up at the ceiling. ....Wow, it got real silent all of a sudden. He must've fallen asleep already...she thought. As quietly as she could, she got back onto her side and looked down at the sleeping Hero. Gently, in order not to wake him, she gently ran the tip of her nail across his cheek, brushing some of his long blonde bangs away from his face. Moving downward, she ran it across his lips, his full...pink...supple...desirable...virgin...lips. "Goodnight, my Hero," she yawned, pulling her hand away. She got onto her back again and shut her eyes. What she wasn't aware of was the fact that a certain someone was awake the entire time, now gloating triumphantly to himself. ...Yeah, I'm the man! Who's your daddy, Zelda? I'll get you one day...he reflected, grinning widely into the darkness. So, they both went to sleep and had impure dreams about each other. Navi had re-entered the blackened room and managed to perch herself on a bedpost. All she could hear was "Oh, Zelda!" coming from the dreaming Link, and "Oh, Link!" coming from the dreaming Zelda. "Oohh!" she screeched. "I really hate this shit!" She decided that she couldn't take the perverted moans, giggles, and various other bullshit that was emanating from the sleeping duo and began to fly aimlessly around the room. Unaware as to where she was headed to, she managed to end up in a corner near the ceiling...and got her wings stuck in a spider's web in the process. "What the? Aw, goddamit!" she yelled, shaking her legs in a vain effort to break free. "Fuck you, spider web! Fuck you, spider who built the spider's web! Fuck you, Link! Fuck you, Zelda! Fuck you all!" Eventually Navi tired herself out with all the swearing and struggling, and managed to fall asleep dangling from the web. It wasn't exactly comfortable, but it would have to do until one of the two morons woke up in the morning and broke her free. Fuck you! |
Click on Link to go to Chapter Four, you sick puppy, you! |
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